88 Subscriptions?

 Hello all,

Good evening. 

I'm humbled.

I have super low self esteem these days so it's really nice to have you here. I'm rarely lost for words but I'm stunned. 

Over 10 years ago, somewhere around 2008 the Internet was different. I was struggling with self acceptance and I stumbled across YouTube. At the time it had a comfortable conversational vibe to it and small communities started popping up. 

One of those "communities" was the queer community. Back then YouTube was more of a message in a bottle, much less complicated and much less commercial. No one was getting their faces on beer cans back then. I'm probably going to age myself by bringing this up but I was a huge fan of Lady V. Love you V. And Penny Z. I'll never forget Tranny Star Galactica. Jennifer Finley boylan was a big influence in my second marriage for quite some time.

Anyway, people posted videos and reactions back and forth with each other in an interpersonal manner. People were curious back then and less judgemental. I posted a coming out video that I had recorded from my step daughter's laptop.

Well she found it and I was immediately 100% out of the closet. Straight to therapy for another attempt at behavioral modification. Me, being a perfectionist, decided it best to go to a specialist. 

Well that didn't work out as planned. After one session of family therapy (6 months after I started) the stepchild beat her mother and left. Yeah... drama

She eventually came back and destroyed us. But that's another story for another day. I stopped by just to let you all know I'm not great but I'm getting by day by day. I had no idea what I had done by starting this blog or YouTube.  Not to mention the 5000 Facebook friends. I know I parked my Facebook account but I just don't feel safe right now being in the public eye.

I had aspirations in my youth to be a community leader so I enlisted. I was thinking maybe, or treasurer, or clerk or something. Being queer wasn't in the plan. I didn't want to be queer. What I didn't realize is that no one can make you un-queer. 

It's probably the first time I failed in my life. I was always able to buckle down and push forward really hard and put everything I had into whatever I wanted to do. There was nothing I couldn't do that I put my mind to. Well, I don't know how you feel about God or fate or any of that stuff. But when a specialist in the field tells you they can't help you and that you have to accept yourself...

That was the first time I felt like I wasn't in charge of my own destiny. Fate has dealt me a hand. There's a lot of stories between there and here. Mostly loss. But I had it all for a while. Split level 3 story with two new cars in the garage and another two car garage in the backyard by the pool. Biggest above ground pool you can buy.

 Yeah I lost my mother and then I lost my father and my home & dog and wife and the two cars and the motorcycle & the pool & the acre and the white picket fence that surrounded it. Honestly the white picket fence was only for a couple hundred feet that was exposed to the street. I had those climbing flowers with the hummingbirds and used to sit at the entrance to my garage and just stare in wonder at the joys of life.

Now it's me alone in a home, on a quarter acre, by myself. Surrounded in a sea of homes in the middle of the suburbs east of St Louis. 

Everything seemed to go sideways that year. I worked for the government & Trump was putting in his cronies. Picked up an LOJ. Got "laid off" when "government decided to go in another direction" when I was in the middle of a clearance upgrade. I literally had another job across the street on base with transcom starting the next day. I already had my LOJ. Someone decided to push a clearance upgrade without consulting with me. I was in serious legal trouble. My ex-wife bought into a plan the step kid hatched. 

Even though she didn't have a scratch I was kidnapped by the "first responders" and thrown in with the rapists and the wife beaters. No warrant. Disturbed me in the middle of talking a crap. Probable cause? Not... I have yet to see anyone take a threatening shit. 

Wild ride. I'm fortunate to be here and alive, again. Well that was over 5 years ago. I resigned as a delegate. I'm no longer on the executive board at the VFW, & I have no love for my fellow citizens anymore. Being swatted by a Karen in this town is devastating. 

All the good character and service I had done was thrown out in favor of hate, bigotry, and I guess fear? There's an old meme floating around the internet. Something along the lines of, "if this country is going to fail because I want to look cute in tight then this country has bigger problems than I do". Maybe I can find it around somewhere and post it. It's just ironic the truth in that.

I will never ever ever again serve a master that locks me in a hole with no rights. This is on top of losing two children six dogs nine cats and 125 acres. This is a horrible country. The great melting pot has become the great embarrassment. Who do we think we're kidding with this two-party system? No One believes it. It doesn't matter who you vote for because someone else already bought them. 

It's a shame. Truth. I have a cousin who will remain nameless. State representative, who gave up because no one is interested in doing the right thing. Politicians won't do anything or make any compromises unless money crosses their hand. This is a complaint coming from someone who was making $16 million a year. 16 million a year and he couldn't get anything done. It's a shame. Shameful country these days. I no longer feel the call serve.

I don't have 16 million a year. Not that that makes a difference anymore. That's how far gone this democracy is. It's not a democracy to be honest. I don't know why we're taught that stupid crap. This is a Republic and it's very evident. You're not going to get anywhere on merit or hard work unless you do it yourself for yourself. 

 As soon as the government let the so-called churches funnel money through them for campaigns The witch Hunt has been on. 

 I used to be a patriot, I can't say that anymore. I've lost faith. I used to be a Catholic and I've lost faith in that as well. Delivered from slavery my ass.

So now for those who want to know what the hell is up in my life. And for some reason people want to know. I pulled my Facebook account because my ex-wife is a complete narcissistic abuser and I'm trying the "zero contact" thing but she's crazy. Nut job.

I used to call that bitch the warden. And now most days I just do nothing. Or the people that follow my YouTube know I'm playing video games. Thousands upon thousands of hours of video games. 

I would love to meet most of you. But the climate we live in being trans is just not safe. I've kept my movements to "need to know" only. Spend most of my time locked behind one door or another. 

I know I'm not the only one afraid to walk the streets these days. Though I never walked the stroll. These are not good times and this is not a good country anymore. I don't know why the hell people keep trying to come here. I was looking to leave the place but losing my clearance put the kibosh on that.

Please travel together, find friends and get out. If you're out, and you find a place with good security, let me know. I might want to join you. 

Looking to sell and get the f*** out of this place. Same problem everyone else has though. I can't afford to buy another house and I'm definitely not going to work for the government again. I have all these daggers in my back. 

Back in the seventies there was this movement of "be the change". Well the '70s turned into the 80s and then the 90s turned into something not so horrible and then the two thousands decided we should all go back and live in the late 50s before civil rights. 

Price of freedom is eternal vigilance. Nobody's guarding the gate. No one loves his country anymore. Everyone's trying to make it something it's not. It's a waste of energy. You're not a constituent anymore, you're a subject. We have the worst of all worlds. Freedom isn't free and you're going to need at least about 2 million to have a little taste. It's a crying shame but we've become a corptocracy. We're living in some kind of corporatocratic feudalism. 

I think I'm going to sit it out for the rest of my life. Just sit back and watch everyone tear this country apart.

So much for progress. Economic stability is a thing of the past especially now that you can't trust the police. The Nazis used to say they were just doing their job. Now the police have been sent out on hits. You can't give an emergency clause to people who believe everything they do is an emergency.

You shouldn't lose everything every time someone decides to break up with you but that's just how the legal system works these days. 

If you don't comply you're a criminal and you're locked up. If you do comply you're a slave. Horrible horrible country. They're never going to fix the border because they need new blood to take advantage of. They need people that don't understand how the system works. 

People living here don't breed. You can't afford to. They need fresh livestock. Everyone's running around in a panic just trying to survive. There is no protection for the poor on the streets. Absolutely none. God help you if you're queer or trans or gay or anything other than married with children. Every time a politician says family my skin crawls. It's not me and likely anti-me.

Legally I'm the father of two children but that means absolutely nothing. No birthdays or Christmas. Just a check sent every month and an excuse from the mother why you can't see your children. The only way to change that is to throw the mother of your children in jail for non-compliance. Now tell me, how is that good for families? I know I'm not the only one that didn't have the heart to do that.

If I adjusted for inflation, everything the government has taken from me for the sake of "children", I would have over 3 million in the bank on top of 125 acres. How do I know? The rule of 17. Google it. It's a good trick for planning for your retirement. You're likely never going to see that day. 

We've thrown a generation of good men in jail and made them criminals for no reason at all. "For the children" they say. Well my ex's are all broke or dead or both. At least I didn't have to pay for their medical bills when they got ugly and old.

They wonder what's wrong with the kids. The dipshits didn't realize children have eyes and ears and little bitty brains to comprehend this stuff? The judicial branch tears families apart and throws away their wealth. You know, "for the children".

It's not going to change because there's no money in it. It's better for GDP if the breadwinner has to start over multiple times. There's less savings and more control over our behavior when we're broke. 

I think the only thing keeping us from open rebellion is social security. The American dream is dead. Everyone's just praying there's a chicken in their pot when they get old.

We import everything now. We even import wealth. Guess what, you don't think we can compete with slavery? Labor is cheaper here than slavery. You have to keep your slave fed and in good health or they die.

It's not genocide because it doesn't discriminate. My God, a non-human corporate entity has more rights than a human being and it never dies. There's no empathy only an endless need for human bodies to exploit and break.

Corptocratic moralism? Is that a thing? I don't think so. I think the marxists are just using the moralists to get what they're wanting in the end.

I'm thinking it's a play to get these moralists to dump all their money out into politics where it really doesn't make a bit of difference. Hey at least they're finally starting to lock these shit bags up. They knew the population dip was coming, and instead of saving for it they spent like they were mad drunk on something. I'm thinking they were mad drunk with power. 

They taught us about this population dip in grade school. Our government is not smarter than a 5th grader. And I think they have less maturity.

Good luck out there. If you see the police run. If you see Karen run the other way. People were giving me their phone number when I bailed out. Lucky I wasn't raped. Very...

I've got some good stories maybe one of these days I'll write a book.

Kisses 💋 and hugs 🤗

Eli

McCarthy In My Living Room

Stumbled back on this.

Cleaned up some crossed posts to some misinformation.

I'll respond to comments as I have time and don't take that as a promise. 

 

 I'm back!

Non-binary life is not easy trust no one.

Response

Response to comment:
http://elizabethserenitybliss.blogspot.com/2011/04/aw-hell.html?showComment=1332179991422#c6413484019556285834

I would agree if this were a perfect world. However it is not. Hell if the world were perfect I wouldn't have been born male.

To your point. Rape crisis centers barely have enough funding to function. There will never be enough money to run MTF only rape centers.

You are missing one vital fact in your point of view. I was born female, in a male body. Why should I be denied women-only spaces? Why should I be denied equal rights? Why should I be treated as less than human?

The motives are simply equal rights. Nothing more, we aren't asking for anything more than the rights you enjoy as a woman. There are only 15 states where it is illegal to discriminate against trans men and women.

http://www.thetaskforce.org/downloads/reports/issue_maps/non_discrimination_1_12_color.pdf

We do not enjoy the protections of the bill of rights. We serve in the military and pay taxes yet we are treated as less than human.

One in 12 transgender women are murdered. Forty one percent of us commit suicide due to external social pressures.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/40279043/ns/health-health_care/t/transgender-americans-face-high-suicide-risk/#.T8SedVKw8tU

That means half of us die because we are trans. 49% of us die because we were born different. What is being done about it? Nothing. 26% of us report being physically assaulted and 50% don't report it. I know I didn't report it. That isn't even including the daily beatings I took in grade school before I even understood what it was for. The girls in my class even told me to use their bathroom so I wouldn't get beaten up anymore. That was in 2nd grade.

6 Months Later

It has been 6 months since my last post. I think That is due largely to depression. I was working two jobs. I don't know if I ever mentioned that here. I was given an ultimatum from both bosses that I needed to quit the other job. Well I picked the one I thought had a better future and I was wrong. About a month after I left my first job I was accused of saying something racial about another employee. My hours were cut immediately and I made only $600 that month. The next month I was accused of calling another employee a bitch and was fired. I was fired for high school he said she said BS.

So I appealed the denial for my unemployment and won since it was utter BS. They even tried to make it fly that I had performance issues but I cleared that up quickly. This is where it gets stupid. I was still denied unemployment because I left one job to work at the other. They said I was ineligible because I quit my job. I've been unemployed for almost as long as it has taken me to post another blog update.

So as a result I have no money for electrolysis or the BA I was hoping to get. I still have my health insurance through the VA so I am still on HRT. That hasn't stopped the depression from haunting me. The lack of progress in my transition has me convinced that I will soon commit suicide. That isn't the only reason.

My step daughter is moving out because I make her uncomfortable. If I had money I would leave. I don't feel welcome in my own home. Yesterday was Memorial day. My wife had planned to spend it in the pool relaxing. Well my wife invites my step daughter to have her friends over. So I got to spend the day alone, inside the house, by myself, with no money to leave and nowhere to go. I am isolated and depressed.

I need help but I don't even have enough money to get to the shrink even if I could get a free appointment. At this point I feel like inpatient supervision is what I need. I am losing it. Honestly I think I have already lost it.

My stepdaughter and mother in law have been trying to split my wife and I up. It isn't my imagination, they are very up front about it. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because my wife needs me. I feel lonely, betrayed and isolated now so my loyalty to her is slipping. I don't know how long I can hold on to her as my anchor. What I say does not matter. So why do I hold on? I don't feel like it is my home anymore. I feel like I just live here. I'm the gardener and the pool freak.

I desperately need the facial hair gone. I can't take the looks anymore. I am too developed for facial hair. People distance themselves from me. I have no friends. Not one. I have no one to turn to. I am to the point that I just can not take any more rejection. I try so hard to develop relationships and hold on to them but I can't find anyone to talk to for more than the time it takes to satisfy their curiosity. People simply pretend I don't exist. They turn their backs on me when I say hello. These are the same people that were friendly and neighborly before they knew. Now I am treated like a monster. More likely I am treated like a dog. Even lesser than a dog.

I keep interviewing for jobs and I keep getting passed over. I have made it to the final two, the final three and whatever... My resume makes the cut, I get the interviews, I get call backs for 2nd, 3rd, and sometimes 4th interview but I don't get the job. I don't think it is any mystery why. We are literally running out of food at home. We shop every two weeks but there is always less and less to eat. We have started a menu and no longer have money for food between meals. I had a bowl of rice today and a few slices of cheddar with some crackers.

Anyway, today I dressed up and tried to look like a guy as best I could. I don't have any nail polish on anything. I wore my old guy jeans but I'm too curvy for them to fit right anymore. I put on the tightest sport bra I own on the tightest notch. I covered that with a t-shirt with a bowling shirt over that. I didn't shave for two days and looked in the mirror and I don't see the guy that wore that stuff two years ago. I did my best to try to pull it off so my stepdaughter wouldn't feel uncomfortable. I stayed away from the pool and the guests so I wouldn't be seen.

I get called a lady or ma'am often. Men hold doors open for me. The neighbors say I look like a woman but I sound like a guy. I literally heard them. So am I that hideous? Am I so horrid that I shouldn't be able to enjoy family life, earn a living, or have a relationship with another human being? Apparently the answer to that is yes.

I don't know how much longer I can go on. I can't take much more. I can not sleep. I take downers to get some rest and I don't want to wake up. I used to pray that I would wake up a woman now I don't even want to wake up.

Been a while.

Well my professional life has taken quite a turn. I left my old job and the golden carrot that went with my staying. I just couldn't handle the abuse anymore. After I did the math I figured out I'd be making 20k less a year. I think it is going to be more like 25k less. Good news is, I have gone down a few tax brackets, so I keep more of what little I do make now.

Anyway I went from an abusive yet somewhat free environment to a very structured environment with protections. However per the urging of my wife I am not out at work yet. I may never be.

I pushed the issue of FFS with my wife which almost caused the destruction of our relationship. We agreed to take these issues one day at a time again. I'm passing, I'm public and FFS is only going to give me more passing privilege. I am ready to give up my exterior transness but my wife is not willing to let go of what is left of the man she met. I don't blame her.

I can still pull off a shirt and tie (when wearing a sport bra), of the time. Getting felt up by an old friend I saw at a bar freaked me out big time and he kept calling me babe and hugging me. I was uncomfortable to say the least. I was just out from work so I was dressed in men's office professional style.

I am still not the most comfortable when men see me that way but I guess it is part of the "full experience". I'm finally to a point that I would date myself (but only if I shave the stubble I have left). So I suppose I kinda get what guys are seeing somewhat. I still see that male stranger looking back at me from the mirror on most days. Lately though that is happening less and less often. I take pictures occasionally to check myself out from an exterior perspective but I'm not too confident about my looks. I must put off some strong pheremones. I can't explain the level of attention I am getting. I find it flattering but it also scares me.

My time as a woman has increased due to my ability to have more time at home than I am accustomed to having. So I have been making some more progress in being out and not just coming out. These days I just wear what I feel like for that day and get gendered according to my wardrobe. My body is female with male features and so is my face. I don't think that will ever change. Ladyboy seems to be the label I have picked up on most frequently. I hear that and TRAP from the younger crowd. I thought this would bother me. It does because I want to be seen as a woman. Duh... of course I do. Until they come up with a shrink ray, I think I will be perceived as trans. Attractive, but trans... Most people can't tell but the observant are usually more than adequate to spread the word. I seem to be a big hit with the 16-24 year old female crowd. I get stopped when I am shopping all the time. Women are just walking up and talking to me out of the blue. I'm thinking about getting t-shirt that says, "100% real" or "Yes they are real." Sometimes I feel like I should just walk around with my tits and my cock hanging out so I can satisfy everyone's curiousity.

I can't believe that I have actually been going out without shaving. I would never have dreamed that I would ever do that. I have about 9-12 more months left on electro. It sucks but everything else is covered. Soon though I am going to have to decide what to pay. Electro, student, loans or child support. I can't afford all 3 anymore. Well I can for now but I won't be able to do it in a few months. I'll be back in my wife's pockets by summer. There are some things I really hate about being trans. Job security and good pay are rare things to come by in the trans community.

Latest progress on transition has been with getting out more publicly. The local stores, like walmart, the gas station, and local eating establishment. I did recently change over the name on my credit card. I got sir'd but only after I showed the girl my CC to pay the bill. Then it was I'm so sorry Mr. X. I thought you were a woman. I mean you look like a woman. I mean... I'm so sorry sir. If I have to carry a little piece of plastic with my new name on it in order to live in peace then so be it.

Issue is that my DMV gender letter has a different name on it. I went by the name Ann shortly before settling on Elizabeth. Anyway.... I introduce myself as Eli now but damn near everyone I know still calls me Bill and introduces me the same way. FUCKERS! Well I have 4 months left with this ID and I'm changing the rest over. Not that it matters, I mean, most people call me babe or hon anyway. I think a change is due or maybe I'll always be a babe or a honey. Meh... that works too.

Transition has taken a back seat in my life at this point. I never will stop taking my meds and I will never stop my transition till I die even if the cost to continue means my death. I guess when you get to that point there is no need to push. I'm trans, I am in transition, and I am transitioning slowly in front of the whole world to see. So I feel like there is no longer that urgent need to push my transition forward. I have taken all the little steps I can take and the whole plan is in motion and coming to fruition. So I am not so much making progress toward my new life. Rather, I am trying to adjust to this woman that I have become. I am taking her out because she is getting tired of hiding. I am slowly ebbing away from that awkward phase and into a new phase of womanhood. I feel good about myself but I still feel like I have a long way to go.

Just wow!

I just got back from the doctor. (again)

He said I was making some fast progress lately. I shrugged, it doesn't seem like anything to me since I see myself every day in the mirror. He was like, "What? Aren't you happy?" I was like, "Eh..." He asked if I had any breast growth lately, I did concede that I had to adjust the straps on my bras. So he tells me that he could tell I have been filling out more. Then he shows me a scan of my picture from almost 4 years ago. I look in the mirror, I look at the picture, then look back at the mirror. "Wow", was all I could say. He says, "Well what do you think?" "Just... Wow!"

Granted, I did shave this morning. Then I put on my moisturizer, then my Definity Color Recapture (to hide the redness from electrolysis). Without any makeup, without doing or even drying my hair, without trying one bit, I saw a woman in the mirror.

Random Updates

Life is good. Well, it could be better. Who couldn't say that? I just got a second job in order to pay misc. expenses like student loans and stepping up some more with electrolysis. I also sorta took it because I really hate where I am now. I still can not afford to quit my first job though. Blech... I hate it. Boss refers to me as a long haired freak. Yep, it's like that. I digress.

The new job is pretty cool. They just relaxed their dress code policy and removed all gender references in the handbook. I suppose you could guess why I tried so hard to get my foot in the door there. Some time in the next 24 months I am going to go full time. Blame some stubborn grey facial hair for that.

I have recently come to the conclusion that I can not punish those around me because others close to them are idiots and bigots. My wife and I have decided to do Christmas at our home this year because we do not feel welcome at my sister's home. Long story short, my sister and niece think I am gross and a freak. So does my mother-in-law's boyfriend. We have decided to invite them all to our home. It was not easy for me to allow it but I had to change my perspective.

I simply could not punish my mother because of my sister's actions. My mother wants to be around her family for Christmas. She has had a long hard life and deserves it. I can not punish my step-daughter because of my mother-in-law's boyfriend. She wants to spend time with us on Christmas and that prick is the only grandfather she has ever known. Trust me there is a good side to this. I do not need to pretend that I like these people. I do not need to pretend that I want them in my home. Most of all I do not need to pretend I like these people the least bit.

Never buy Cooper tires. I did and I regret it. Buy Firestone tires. Firestone is the only company left that honors their tire warranty. This is according to our local tire mechanic. NOT THE SALESMAN. I have recently had an issue with my cooper tires and had a blowout which they would not cover. I found out that is how all tire companies are except Firestone.

We traded in our Chrysler 300 for a Chevy Traverse. I still think the 300 was a better looking car. The Traverse is more car than we will ever need but it is cuter than the 300.

I got rid of the internet at home. ATT wanted $55 a month for service and refused to give it to us at a lower rate. Our service started at $18 per month and they increased it periodically without warning. I have been without home internet for over 90 days and they have started sending me offers for $15. I am thinking about hooking it back up.

The contract ran out on my ATT phone. The bill was over $135 per month with the contract. I now pay about 1/3 of that. I picked up a track phone and told them I wanted to cancel my service. I negotiated 2 phones for less than $50 per month.

I have been looking at getting my FFS done by Zukowski. He has a site for before and after shots but you have to log in to see his work. This is why I have started saving up more for electrolysis so I can double up and go to 4 hours a week in a few months. I may stay with 2 hours a month and do a trip to E3000 every couple months. It would be nice to get out of town with my wife but I don't think this would be a good weekend trip for us.

I am looking into B&Bs for a weekend get away. The one we used to go to has closed and been sold. We really like Homish country and can not wait to get away to watch the leaves change again.

My blood test came in and my potasium was high and my cholesterol was high too. I got another test done last week. I am waiting with bated breath. Worst case, I will have to cut down on Spiro. or change to a different medication. Good news is my E is over 2600 and my T is 1.1 We finally found the plateau before my E turns to T. Pretty high too.

The V.A. now covers hormone therapy and psychological therapy. Of course it comes with strings. They do not cover Prometrium and they have no experienced GID counselors. Their endo. refused to see me and/or treat me. Instead they have sent me to an outside healthcare provider. They refuse to follow his prognosis. Overall I am now saving about $200 per month but I am not happy at all with the quality of service. If you are not familiar with the new V.A. directive regarding transsexual health care you need to look at V.A. Directive 2011-024.

Good Times

Well I have had one hell of a two month period. We've managed to buy a new car and our dream home. I got a raise and we just closed on our dream home. On top of that we just got back from vacation and had our first anniversary.

I am thrilled with my life. Everything has finally come together after years and years of hard work. I have only my wife and parents to thank. I can not say that anyone else has given us a break.

On the flip side my transition has come to a halt. There are no longer any small steps to take. Now I need to change over everything with my name on it. I suppose electrolysis could be considered a small step, I still go two hours every week. I think it as more of a maintenance chore that I will have to go through for the rest of my life.

I am contemplating laser at the moment. I am open to possibilities.

Two Percent

You know what?

I'm gonna back off on my opinions.
In fact I'm going to back off answering any opinions to the best of my ability from now on.

The fact is that I live in a very stable and comfortable bubble. I despise drama in any shape and/or form.

I cut drama from my life like a cancer. There have been many, many people that were in my life that no longer are. I have friends but I can count them on one hand. I am very particular about who I call friend. I am a stuck up pretentious bitch. I know it. I get on nerves and piss people off with my personal opinions because I am an elitist and a two percenter. I know for a fact that most people will not agree with a thing I say simply because most people can not live like me.

I apologize for succumbing to my urges to offer my opinions. I just can't do what most would. I can't live my life that way.

The fact is that my friends know this about me and accept it. It is the reason my first wife left me and my kids hate me. Can you imagine how much I expected from them? When you are like me everyone disappoints.

I am this way in a large part due to genetics but in an even greater way it is due to my parents. Failure has never been an option. Best was always an expectation.

The whole concept is exhausting. If I could change that part of me I would. My standards simply won't let me.

So if I come across condescending it is because, in my eyes, I have earned that right.

The invisible line.

First off I feel that I need to apologize for my last post. I haven't done a complete flip on my opinion but I have a better insight into the issue. I can not condemn people for doing drag shows anymore. They find acceptance of who they are, and I can sympathize with that. I find myself drawing a parallel between drag queens and Uncle Tom.

I am not here for that though. In some ways I am still going through a dark place. My wife has been in bad health for about 18 months now and is showing no sign of getting better any time soon. I got a raise at work but I'll still be in the red for a long time. I'm 41 now. Why the hell am I still living check to check? Hell that doesn't sound so bad really. I'm actually about a month behind everything at the moment. My kids didn't come over again for a visit and I didn't get a call for my birthday or on father's day again. They are 14 and 15 now so they know better. I was all set to come out. They still don't know. I haven't seen them for about 18 months as well. The only time I see them is when I look at their pictures on my desk. I've decided to cut them out along with my bigoted in-laws.

Still these are things that I did not plan on talking about.

I went on vacation 3 weeks ago. It was a 2 week vacation and we bought a new car before we left. It is a 2010 Traverse if you must know. Anyway, the weekend before we left I got my hair, fingers and toes done. That was the first time in my life all 3 coincided in one day. I felt great.

So on to vacation. Past Missouri and through Kansas, headed west through Colorado I started to tucker out. Sign in at the hotel. "You ladies have a nice evening." Hmm... I shrug and figure the guy was just tired. I had not shaved for over 12 hours, there is no way he couldn't tell. I throw on some concealer the next morning and head out after breakfast. Oh Shit! I used the mens' room and I am trapped in the stall. It was empty when I went in. I thought this guy was gonna shit himself when he saw me walk out. (Note to self. Don't use the mens' room anymore.) After passing through Utah and heading into Arizona I start to realize that I'm not getting flagged I'm getting checked out. What a mind fuck, suddenly I don't want to go anywhere strange alone.

After passing through Arizona, through New Mexico and back into Colorado I realize it. I have crossed that invisible line. I actually started to think so a couple days earlier but I dismissed it due to the fact that we were on the reservation and they don't see white folks every day. I don't know why it took me so long to get it. I spent hours in the hot tub in Flagstaff. Thank god my wife does most of the talking. I am still not awfully confident about my voice. It has gotten me a few sideways looks. But yea... for better or worse I've crossed that line. I get odd looks when I don't shave and walk into a store. I don't get odd looks when I do shave. I guess people just blow it off and figure me for a butch lesbian. I can live with that. After spending that time in the hot tub my confidence is through the roof.

This is why I am having a problem adjusting to work again. I know I have to let my facial hair grow out for 3 days a week. I am still getting zapped once a week for two hours. So there is no sense coming out at work but... UGH... Patience is a virtue. Well that is what they say anyway. I can't say it gets any easier, even after my recent positive experiences. I can say that it is different.

Take care.
Eli

Aw Hell

I just want to blog about the crazies. You know the kind if you have ever been part of a trans group. Hell I am trans and I look at some of these bozos and think they're bonkers. I have omitted pictures to protect privacy but you will know the type I speak of if you have ever been to a trans group.

Wait wait...
Let me pull back a bit to put some perspective on this. At our educational outreach group this weekend at the STLGF we had a speaker on political activism who came in to give us a status report on what was going on in regards to civil rights progress for trans people. This gentleman walks in, with a masters from Oxford.

Great! I am thinking to myself. We as a group have competent representation in the Missouri lobby. This gentleman goes on to describe in a fair amount of detail how difficult it is to pass any type of progressive trans bill in Missouri. The legislative consensus is that the trans community is a bunch of wacko nutjobs who are off their rockers. People just don't want a bunch of perverts running the streets with legislative protection.

I am outraged! How dare our representatives deny us our rights!

This is where I look around the room. Aw Hell !!! 75% of the room is full of wacko nutjobs who are off their rockers. (For clarification let me state that there is not one FTM member in attendance.) So I look to the far end of the room. There is a guy in a camouflage ball cap, I don't think he's shaved since the day before. He is wearing a dirty t-shirt, and a gypsy skirt that does not match. Wait it gets better! He also has on white stockings, and has his white tube socks over them. These are stuffed into some kind of fluorescent purple shoe. I'm not done yet. He also has some fake EEE bazoombas. My wife is barely holding her composure, she can hardly control herself and wants to start yelling at this idiot.

But wait there is more! At the table next to ours is a gentleman who is also wearing a camouflage ball cap. I'm thinking this guy hasn't shaved since the day before as well. Bla bla... Guy's t-shirt, jean jacket, jeans, etc... Over the jeans are a pair of black patent leather stripper boots with a 4 inch heel that come half way up his thigh. He also sports some kind of girly coin purse on his macho belt. OK now... I am uncomfortable. I don't want to be associated with this kind of behavior.

Our state lobbyist is here. I'm in business casual so are about 10% of the people there. There are others who are fairly put together but in casual. I have no problem with that. These friggin nut jobs though... What the fuck?!? This is what the legislature and the general public thinks of when they want to pass anti-trans legislation. I can not blame them. They saunter into women's restrooms with out batting an eye. My wife who is a huge trans-rights supporter wants to lock up these idiots. She will not go to the bathroom at the meetings anymore. She is afraid for her safety and I can not blame her.

So I go home... I'm in the middle of a breakdown now. The public sees me as part of the general population of trans-people that is comprised of these freaks and weirdos. I contemplate my own sanity, I desperately want to denounce that I am trans, I consider suicide because I can not wish being trans away. Bitter old haggy drag queens and freaks... these are my people? Fuck no! I am a simple, middle class, person who wants to blend in with society without notice. I do not want to be exceptional in any way.

But now... now what do I do? I could not come to terms with being trans because I am not like that. Now I am trans and have come to terms with it but I can not accept the company that society puts me with. I am in the middle of a meltdown. I cried on and off the last two days. I no longer want to transition. I have not stopped HRT. I tried that many times only to fail. However I will not present myself in that manner. I can not. Not now. I can not be seen as one of them. I would sooner die. These guys that throw on a skirt & heels and fake boobs to get their jollies fuck my world up. I can not be around it. They are ruining my life. I hide and they prance around with hard cocks under their skirts. What the fuck is wrong with this world?

So what is the point? Keep your fuckin fetish behind closed doors. No one wants to see it. Post it on CraigsList with the rest of the pervs but keep it off my streets. Keep it away from my children and my wife. Do what you want. I respect your rights of free expression. Just do not do this shit in places that undermine my rights. I have respect for myself. I work hard and damn it I deserve my rights.

If these right wing religious freaks really wanted to squash trans-related civil rights, all they really need to do is dress up like fruitcake nutjobs and walk around. That should completely kill off any chance I have of having equal rights. So I am going stealth, not trans-stealth, just stealth. I can in no way get rid of how I feel and the way I was born. What I can do is keep it to myself. My family knows, my friends know, and that is well enough for me. I would dearly love to be out to the world as my true self but that just is not going to happen. I am not like them and I will not have my friends, co-workers, family and peers thinking of me like that.

Is passing the point? Fuck yes! So until I do, fuck this.

Cruise Control

It has been another month. In three more weeks I will have been on HRT for a year. What a journey that has been. I have had so many ups and downs it is good to finally find myself in a good place.

The past few months have been wonderful. (With the exception of the job I have but hate.) I have found acceptance within myself. I know I said something similar before but I actually have it now. Let me explain:

Remember back in your 20's somewhere (if you are not there yet *Spoiler Allert*) when you stopped trying to fit in and established your independence from everyone? Well this is more like that. I am at that place that right wing religious freaks hate. I will go out and present myself as a woman even with facial hair. I have gotten to the point that I just don't care. I actually like the way I look in the mirror most of the time. Do I know I don't fit in? Of course I do. Do I care? Nope! Do I fit in when I'm clean shaven? For the most part I do. If you look close enough you will see those closely shaven hairs hiding under my foundation. That requires good lighting and close proximity. I don't avoid those situations anymore. I am tired of trying to fit in.

I have my wife to thank for my change of attitude. She has me convinced that I am hot. I know that is a biased opinion but now I agree with her. I have gotten to a point, finally, where I can go out in public with her without embarrassing her. I have crossed that invisible line.

I have had others, other trans women, tell me that I am totally passable. I believed them to a point. I was considering the source of course. Now with my own eyes I have seen the results of 11 months of HRT and anti-androgens. I have walked up to people and they were none the wiser. That gives me great comfort to finally accept myself for who I am.

Am I flaggable? Well to a point. I have flagged many cis-women and been wrong. This is my assumption of where I fit in. I do not believe that I have reached pinup status nor do I think I'm a knockout. I do know that at times I look and feel hot. I have had cis-women comment on being jealous of some of my features. Well... not to brag, my eyebrows, my legs, my nails, my makeup, my clothes, and my shoes. Not too shabby if I am allowed to say so. What I am sure they are not jealous of are my nose, my chin, my shoulders, and my stubborn facial hair. So maybe there may be a need of some FFS in my future but I might be trying to fix what isn't broken. I'll decide that in another year or so.

Now on to the kibbles and bits. I have started Depo injections on top of my estradiol (E2) pills. So I am now on 4 1mg pills a day plus a 1ml dose of Depo-Estradiol 5mg/ml every 2 weeks. I also take one 100mg pill of Prometrium and two 50mg pills of Spironolactone every 12 hours. The estradiol pills I take at 5 hour intervals from waking. This is usually at 7:30am, 1:00pm, 6:00pm and when I go to bed, which is usually 10:30pm to 2:30am. I know some people are stuck on the premise that you have to take them all at the exact time every day. This is not true. The important part of a HRT regimen is keeping your levels consistent. What does that mean to me? It means that I want to be at or slightly above 600 Picograms per milliliter (pg/mL) as measured by Labcorp. Different labs will yield different results with the same blood. It is important that you have a doctor monitor these levels and that your doctor knows the difference between results from different labs. If you are familiar with lab results you will notice that this number is high for a genetic female. A pre-menopausal woman will have levels ranging from 30–400pg/mL. While in puberty those levels can be as high as 600pg/mL. This is the range where most of the secondary sex characteristics are triggered. Your testosterone level will drop as you take more estrogen as well. The anti-androgens don't do much to the mature male other than curb hair growth, legs, armpits, chest, arms, there simply isn't much that can be reversed. It does make a difference though. A big difference in my opinion. I also take 2.5mg Finasteride every morning to keep any testosterone left in my body from converting to dihydrotestosterone (DHT). I have noticed a fuller head of hair since I started taking it.

What are the results of all this technical info in practice? At 11 months I am a B and still going. I have very little body hair but even after 50+ hours of electrolysis I am hardly half way done removing facial hair. I have noticed the biggest changes in my mannerisms and my speaking. My face has also come along quite well. So in short the results have been indicating success. I still have another year to go before I will have any clue of how I will look like for the rest of my life but if this year is any indicator, I believe I am in for a happy life.

So my attitude has been to take a step back. I need to give my medical plan time to take full effect. My journey is a long one so for now I am going to kick back and put it on cruise control.

Coming to Terms

Wow! It has been 5 months since my last post.

I have been through quite a bit since then. I have finally come to terms with who I am and I accept myself as a trans-woman. The people in my life are not there yet nor will they likely ever be there but I only have control of myself. It is disconcerting to know that most of the people in my life will never accept my new identity. So I have been trying to come to terms with that as well.

I have realized that much of transition has to do with accepting life on life's terms. I have had to come to terms with my own realizations and make peace with that. I have had to come to terms with how others react to my new identity (family, friends, work, & the general public) and deal with that the best I can. None of any of it has been easy. In fact it all has taken quite a toll on me. My wife noted last night that she thinks I seemed happier before I started dealing with things. I wouldn't agree with her though. It feels like my feelings are on the surface now. I can't bottle things up like I used to do.

Lately I have been trying to come to terms with the limits of HRT. I can not seem to come to terms with where I am at being the best I can do. I do not think I am very passable. Possibly I lack enough confidence, possibly my wife is right in that I will never be passable. She believes that I need to come to terms with how I look now and make my peace with it. Well... I can not. I can't get myself to accept that I will not integrate into life as female. I can not get myself to accept that people I meet will see me as trans and never as cis. I find that an unacceptable option. Even the thought of it has sent me into a deep and lasting depression. I honestly do not wish to live like that... like this.

So yes... coming to terms is the theme of this post. I have come to terms with a whole new identity and reality for myself. Yet I can not accept where that leaves me. I have pondered the thought of ending it all. I can not come to terms with that at all. There are too many people in my life that I love and who love me. So the only option I see that allows me a functional future is FFS. Will that buy me social acceptance? If not will I be able to come to terms with that?

New~ish Outlook

Well...
I am working. That is good. Not really an update but more of a sigh. I am better at my job now than I was before I got laid off. Just goes to show how stressed out I was back then. I've been through some rocky times these past few months, looking back on it.

I can't say that things have gotten better. My libido has been in the dumper lately and my wife has really hurt me with some things she has said lately. Bless her soul, she tries so hard, she really wants to help and feels so bad for me but... Well... some of the things she says.

"I just don't see it." -- referring to my transsexuality
"The whole thing mocks women" -- referring to transsexuality in general
"It is all about things to you." -- referring to me wanting to update my wardrobe for winter (I have no winter clothes for Eli.)
"I don't know why you aggravate yourself." -- referring to spending time as Eli (I get upset when I have do de-transition due to growing facial hair for my electrolysis.)

She is the most honest and loving woman I have ever met. Thank god I have her. Of course I get upset but I know exactly where she stands all the time. I asked her tonight, "How do you expect to be able to help me if you don't see me that way?" She says she will and that I am not ready yet. She wants me to wait till all my facial hair is gone. So I stepped up my electrolysis to two hours a week. That is the maximum my electrologist will work on me. I have too much gray hair for laser to do any good on me.

Speaking of gray... I have always looked at passing as a gray area. I mean... I had never hoped to fully pass. You know... close up, upon inspection. I had gotten comfortable with passing at a distance. For instance:
My boss pulls up as I am standing at the door before work waiting to get in, "I thought you were a girl till I walked up and saw your face." (ouch!)
or
The waitress walks up and says, "Enjoy your margaritas ladies." Then slinks away silent after she realizes she made a mistake.
Now I have this almost black and white view of how I want to be seen. I have been OK as being flagged as trans and rightly so. I wasn't letting that get to me... but now... I want to take my wife's advice. She is right. I am not ready. I can not pull that off in general public at any given time. My passing privilege is only as long as it takes me to grow some whiskers. IF people don't get too close. If they do get too close they will clearly see whiskers on the sprout. OH! back to the black and white. I want to be seen as Elizabeth aka Eli my chosen and legal name. I want to use that name with pride. It will also give me peace knowing that I have finally gotten there. That is why I chose Serenity as my middle name.

So anyway... It has been about five months since I started on hormones as prescribed by an endocrinologist. I decided I wanted to get on depo shots instead of putting a pill under my tongue to dissolve 3 times a day for the rest of my life. I came to find out that my endocrinologist did not prescribe shots or patches. Well... I found another doctor. He is actually a GP but I was more impressed with him than my endo. So I go to him, tell him that pills are not convenient and that I want shots. Well he does not agree that the risks are worth convenience. He informs me that not all transsexuals need to be on depo. Some respond well enough to oral medication. He points out my breasts and says that I seem to be responding well enough with the oral medication. He asks how long I have been on this regimen. So yea... I tell him it has been about 5 months. He states that I an doing VERY well and that I have quite a bit of tissue for just 5 months. He asks that I push in my XXL work shirt below my breasts and points out that they are quite noticeable. He asks if I have been binding to hide them. I gracefully tell him that it pisses me off that people bind and tell him in so many words that I want to own my transition. Then he tells me he wants to put me on progesterone, telling me it will fill out my breasts and give them a fuller more mature look. He points out that they are cone shaped and not the tear drop shape my sister Holly once pointed out to me when she was teaching me how to tell if a girl has fake boobs or not. She never told me about the pointy cone thing. Back on topic... he also tells me that it will also help fill out my hips. WELL... I have just lost 100lbs and am thinking, "FUCK! Not my hips!" Then I realize that it is probably a good thing even if I am a big girl. Well... especially because I am a big girl... big girls have curves. So I get the progesterone and have been on it for two days. I must say that my mood has been almost giddy since. It really has helped, and it helped almost immediately. I almost pinned down my wife last night. I am starting to think my lack of libido was just a bad mood and that the progesterone is helping my mood. So I will stick to low fat yogurt for breakfast for a while more and I will stick to half a sandwich and diet jello for lunch. I suppose the new hormones and my wife's reality checks have given me this new outlook. I remain patient, but my patience is laced with optimism now. These days, when I do shave that one day a week, I swear I can see Elizabeth looking back at me and she wants to come out and play in the sun.

Dealing with it...

Well since I last checked in I've basically felt like a woman trying to act like a man. I try to be comfortable with facial hair but it still is not working for me. I can not seem to "just deal with it" as my wife puts it. I feel like I just can't "just deal with it" anymore. I am not too awfully happy with where I am at the moment. I hate having to have an expiration on my female mode. I am dealing with the lack of time presenting female as best I can. That involves lots of depression. I don't feel like I am trying to rush my transition. I feel like I am just trying to fix what is wrong with me.

Aside from all that my wife still thinks maybe I am bi-polar or something and wants me to at least explore that issue more. She is of the opinion that my GID is due to extreme manic episodes that cause me to have delusions that I want to be a woman. She sees my depression as a down and my being able to express myself as an up. The observations of my mood being more positive presenting as female are mostly true. I mean... I am happier that way. I am happy that I no longer have to hide the fact that I am trans. However that feeling is short lived since my trans privilege is not the best. I don't feel bi-polar, I feel gender dysphoric. I dunno... manic? Me? I'm thinking more along the lines of justifiable anxiety and depression due to GID. I have said I would look into it for her. I can identify with dysphoric mania slightly. I simply think that mental issues that need treatment are due to some sort of irrational behavior or irrational thinking. I feel it is perfectly rational to be depressed because I have to present as a man. I feel it is perfectly reasonable to have anxiety over presenting as a woman in public since it is still all so new to me. If it gives her some peace of mind I guess I will look into it. My feelings though... I have felt this way for a long time and the only thing different from now and then is the fact that now everyone knows, I can't fight it anymore and I believe I will be happier post transition.

I am getting way too tired to even think straight. Maybe that is my mania manifesting itself through insomnia. What the hell... anything is possible at this point. I once asked my therapist about this and her reply was that the treatment would still be the same regardless. GID is GID regardless of the origin. She does not believe that it is mania since it stems from so long ago. According to her I am a textbook case. Whatever that means. My wife wants a second opinion. I guess I have no choice but to give her what she wants.

The Blues

Well I'm coming off a two week stint of the blues. First things started going bad when I had to grow my beard for 4 days in order for the electrologist to have enough to work with. Now I am back to work. Which in normal circumstances would be good. However with electro on Wednesdays I am totally "guy" for weekdays. It has taken a terrible emotional toll on me. I went from mostly full time 6-7 days a week to only 2 days a week.

This resulted in many many dark thoughts that consumed me and kept me up nights. I am still stressed to no end but I think I will make it. Well I do not really have a choice do I? I must continue forward, one step at a time. I do not like the compromises I have to make but in order to get where I am going I must go through what I am going through. I have been through worse. No one is shooting at me today. Every day seems like a victory.

I think I am at a point now where I am fine with the whole thing. I keep telling myself it is not the end of the world. Sure things could be better but things are fine for now. Patience... The love of my wife keeps me going. Her hugs warm my heart and her touch calms me.

Normal?

Well life has become somewhat of a grind. To me that says "normal". Well it is as normal as it has ever been. I have been adjusting fairly well. I have started weekly sessions of electrolysis and that goes well. I can't say I am thrilled to attend my sessions but I do look forward to the end results. I still have some serious dysphoria when it comes to my facial hair. I can't stand it at all. I feel like a woman with a beard lately. I have been feeling urges to overcompensate lately. I have to have at least 4 days growth for the electrologist to work with. After that I am dying to shave it off and put on a dress and heels. God!!! anything to be girlie. I have had many late nights where I cannot sleep in the last month. My mind keeps going when I lie down. I sleep the best when I am snuggled up on the couch with my wife. I love her dearly. Her happiness weighs heavily on me as of late too. I went through my legal name change a week ago today. She was to say the least distressed. I do not want to go into detail of how she felt because I respect her right to privacy, but it was not a good day at all. On top of that the pizza guy that night called me ma'am. He was all flustered and blushing. Something I am familiar with doing myself. I think it was all a bit much for her. I have been getting "flagged" as female more often lately even when I don't exactly try. My sleeplessness has also been bothering my wife too. Anyway I did change my name to Elizabeth Serenity (last name confidential) as expected. I had gone by Ann on occasion as evidenced in my YouTube video. I have been mostly presenting as female lately whatever that means. I am not really too sure what that means anymore. I feel like I have crossed a line somewhere. I actually feel that I have to present as male on occasion now. For instance, my parents do not want me "cross dressing" when I visit them at their home. I have some stuff stored over there and have been going over there on occasion to pick stuff up. I do not think they realize that inhibits my visits. I generally dress in woman's clothing now. I only wear male clothing there and cutting the grass. My female clothing is new and I don't want to ruin it by working in the yard. Well there is not really much else to say. I am starting to become comfortable and most of all I have my wife to thank for that. She is an astonishing woman and I admire her more than she will ever know.

Feeling good lately.

Feeling good lately. I'm down to 5 x 1/2 cigarettes a day. Ultra lights so that is progress. Today is officially 2 1/2 months since I legally started my transition. I self medicated for a while and that did not work out well. I ended up hospitalized with a blockage in my kidney that killed about an almond sized part of it. Counterfeit non prescription drugs. Nuff said there. The job search continues and goes well. Finally people are calling for interviews. I have started comming across more desperate. Seems like that is in demand these days.

My marriage goes well. We went to Amish country to a B&B for the weekend and that went well. Err... well sort of. We got called ladies again at lunch then I got flagged about a zillion times at dinner. I was freaking. I can usually handle it. I know I still look like a TV sometimes. I really think the reason I almost broke down is because of how high I was from being called a lady earlier that day. I've taken to not wearing makeup lately. I think it draws too much attention to the male features of my face. My face is what is flagging me. Everything else is appearing fairly female. I have all but given up on "passing". I feel like a woman but I look TV. It is awkward but I am still plodding along with going full time no matter what. Oh yea the date for that was the 19th. After I got the go ahead from my wife to dress at home going out was just... well it was just there. Something to do I suppose. One thing I have learned from life is to take an opportunity when it presents itself. Life is too short to do otherwise. I have almost come to the conclusion I will need FFS and probably breast enhancement. So starting full time now was not just an opportunity it seems like a necessity.

My name change is in progress. I have chosen Elizabeth Serenity and I will be taking my wife's last name. The court date is set for August 27th at 8:30am. Voice training goes much slower. I have taken a few days off. It just seems so... ugh... unproductive. I am plodding along there all be it slowly. Anyone reading this is welcome to comment and recommend a product that helped them. I'd appreciate knowing why you feel it helped you as well. I am contemplating a training CD.

Well in closing I just want to state that I haven't had an "oh shit what the fuck am I doing to my life" episode for over a week now and I no longer have suicidal thoughts. Coming out was terrible. I am just glad I made it through to the other side. Dysphoria still comes and goes. I just wish I looked outside how I feel inside. I am getting there. I just need more patience.

Well since I'm out and all I guess it is OK to let people get to know me a little. I didn't actually start this blog to be read by anyone. It is/was for me just so I could keep a log of how my life is going and how my transition is effecting my life. Basically so I could have a BLOG to look back on and see myself as the years pass by. I am so flattered by the interest I have gotten. Thank you all so much for your support.

Now on to a little bit about me and my history. The first link goes back to CGSociety where I would spend all of my free time when I was in college. Unfortunately FX and film didn't pan out for me so well. I actually got passed over by Disney once by just a hair. They "found and equally talented candidate who lived in their geographical region." They didn't want to inconvenience me with a move to California.

Don't make fun of me please. I did this years 3 ago. OH! and the profile pic is totally a before.
These days I rock FumeFX more than Afterburn but as you can see Afterburn is still an ole FX classic that isn't going away.

http://supremepizza.cgsociety.org/gallery/513467/

Well... as I stated, I did not make it into film or game design. So I spent 17 months working on these web sites for Orange Computers before I got laid off. After one look you will see why we had creative differences. But it was a job and it has a really cool Excel database back end. Really cool. Only problem is he has let it go to shit lately.
serversalesonline dot com
I didn't want to direct link from here because we tracked all that and I am assuming he still does. So the dot == .
I used to do all the product photos and Photoshop which you can tell if you click around a bit.
Everything was optimized for quick load times. So no awesome bells and whistles there except the back end.
There was also orangecom dot com that I never had the opportunity to finish. I hacked very little and did my best to stay W3C compliant.

Here is my latest self pics with my new hair. Warning though... no makeup.
Old hair
http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4143/481 ... 27d1_m.jpg
New hair 1
http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4137/481 ... 8848_m.jpg
New hair 2
http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4093/481 ... 7fd0_m.jpg
New hair w/glasses
http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4117/481 ... 877d_m.jpg

I didn't even shave. :p Oh well... get over it.

What dreams are made of.

Well recently I've started to develop some friendly trans relationships. I have even started going out as Eli. Come to think of it I have submitted 7 motions to the Third Circuit Court of Illinois concerning my name change. So things are going fairly smoothly. Getting out and being accepted and hit on to the point of annoyance has really boosted my self esteem latey. On top of that my x-fiancee has rebounded completely and wants to marry me regardless of everything. I've decided to accept and tomorrow at 12:45 Central Standard Time I will be married. My admiration and love for her grows by the day. She not only accepts me, she has committed to help me with my transition. So I've been learning all those unspoken rules on how to be and act female. I don't know what else to say. The news is so shocking and so huge that I can barely contain myself. This is truely what dreams are made of.

Coming out

What a day. I've been sitting all day feeling like a passenger in my life and the train is roaring down the tracks. A week and 2 days ago I came out to my mother and she brought up some good points. I needed to chose between my transition and my fiancee. Why? Because my fiancee has decided that she doesn't want to marry me if I am becoming a woman. So... Yesterday, my um... x-step daughter finds my youtube video on the computer. So I'm out to her. My fiance says, "Time's up. Decide now!" I chose transition. She tells me I make her sick. Then explains later that I don't make her sick. The things I do make her sick. Specifically, seeing the video. The kid is shaking, pale and scared out of her wits. She is crying and wants me gone because I'm a liar and a fake. She is afraid of me now.

I need to know for sure I'm up for this. There is no way I can stop. I've tried for years and feel like I've lost so much precious time. I'm in full acceptance now. I'm practicing my voice for at least an hour each day. It still sucks. It's bad enough I look like a horse. (Mrs. Ed?) But my voice isn't anywhere near where I need it to be.

The plot thickens. I wake up and start bawling. I tell my fiancee that I can't spend my life with someone that is sickened by me. I feel like a freak of nature. I tell her we need to call off the wedding. I go for lunch. By the time I come back she has outed me to her mother. Her mother outed me to her boyfriend. The kid has outed me to one of my fiancee's friend. I call my mother and tell her the wedding is off. She asks, no, pleads to tell my father since the cat is out of the bag. "OK" I tell her after a feeling of uncontrollable fate washes across my body. She pleads again for permission to tell my sister, again I submit. I'm just waiting for it to hit facebook. Now I want to throw out all my guy stuff, get my haircut and move away. I feel like this whole thing has gotten away from me. It was so simple. I was taking my time. Now I have no time. It is all here, now, and in my face. I have no choice to move forward at this new pace. I don't feel ready. I'm sure I've been through worse but this all seems too much for me to deal with. So I let it go and realize that my transition has taken on a life of it's own. So yes, tomorrow I want a hair cut. I need to do something to affirm that I have some control of my transition. AND Hey! Now I can get my brows done. Hell, who doesn't know by now. I need to work the voice often though. I carry the voice recorder everywhere with me now. So yes, I do see the positive through all the chaos. I no longer have to hide who I am. Hair, nails, brows.... why not. Look out world here I come.

The Strength to Transition / The Horrible Truth

Where does the strength to transition come from? It's simply a will to live. If I felt I had a choice in any of this I wouldn't be doing it. Family and friends are against it. They wonder why I can't just try one more time to live as a man. One more time... it's like they don't get that it has been 30 years. To be exact 34 years since I first saw signs that I couldn't understand. 30 years ago I was sitting in a urinal being told I should be in the girls room squatting with the rest of the girls. Some boys had shoved me in there as I was standing there urinating. I didn't understand. My parents thought they had a gay son so prepared themselves for the day I'd come out as gay. I don't like men. I like the validation they give me when I'm looked at with longing. But other than that I don't really like men much at all.

I have no strength. I can barely function anymore. I lay on the couch, half conscious blogging and practicing my female voice. I heard my voice yesterday when I posted my first VLOG. I made a vow to myself today to never be without my handy voice recorder. All the exercises in the world won't help if you don't use the recorder. This is surreal, this is my life, no longer a fantasy. My fiancee is leaving me, not left, not yet. She is trying to hold on. Day by day she hopes that I will turn back and reconstitute before her eyes. You see.... I've evaporated. The man she fell in love with no longer lives inside this body. So she looks at me, as if I know where to find him. He was at best a miserable farce. He is much better where he is now. In the memories of those who loved him. I struggle daily to fondly remember him and pay tribute to him. There are still some parts of him I am able to bring to the surface. I do this for her, this is what she is holding on to. Even just one more day is better than nothing so I continue to struggle.

I've caught myself sitting at green lights lately staring blankly out at the world. Wondering where out there I should go. No job, almost out of money, running out of hope, I reach out and there is no one. I can talk to one person and she costs $150 an hour. I can't afford that. I'm hungry, I'm always hungry anymore. Every day I cry. When I think I have no more tears I continue to cry. A trans friendly company called today. I made it to the phone interview. They should contact me soon. So the recruiter has informed me anyway. They better call quickly, my savings are under $1000. I'm alone, I'm hungry and I'm afraid.

My mother dropped off a letter last week. There wasn't a stamp on it. I guess she didn't want to see me. The letter was for my fiancee. The subject was about my mother giving her permission to have sex with me. She said it was OK for us to have sex and that no matter what anyone said, if we were fine with it, then what the world thought didn't matter. Yesterday my mother calls my fiancee. She tells her that she thinks it is a shame. She wishes my fiancee the best and she knows that my fiancee has had enough. I call my mother back. My mother does not answer. I call 3 more times that day and night. She doesn't answer and doesn't call back. My father thinks I'm "a fucking perverted sex freak." I've only met a few others in transition. They have their own struggles to worry about. I'm scared and I have no one to talk to. I'm afraid I won't make it through today. I concentrate on trying to get the VA to cover my blood tests. I no longer have the money to have it checked. I concentrate on job leads no matter how weak the lead. I'm losing hope.

Mother is on her way over to give me the money for my child support. I don't want her money but I have to take it. I pay this every month or I go to jail. I've seen them about 2 dozen times in the last 11 years. Their mother fooled around town. I don't get it. Those aren't my children. The court took them away when she filed for divorce. They were 2 and 3 back then. I don't even know who these kids are. I've stopped begging them to come over and stopped bribing them with gifts for their attention. They don't even call anymore.

There is no strength left. That is the horrible truth. At any given moment I feel I could just let go and slip away. I like living though. I like to smile and I love to laugh. No there is no strength, I just want to be happy. I keep breathing in and out with the hope that some day I will be happy. I'm hanging by a thread. I'm thankful it isn't a rope.

Transitioning

What a long strange trip. It has been 5 1/2 months since I posted last. I've been through so many things since then. My clothes have gone from the closet to the garage and recently back into the closet. My fiancee is the most patient woman in the world. She doesn't really understand what is going on but she feels for me. She cares and has been at my side this whole time. She even went to the endocrinologist with me.

With that in mind I've been continuing therapy and have found a psychologist with experience in transition and relationships. She has been wonderful and has helped me to realize all the issues I've been dealing with are normal for a person in my position. One issue that stands out is how insecure this all has made my fiancee. I could never have guessed this would effect her in this way. I never would have thought I would be threatening our relationship by "becoming the woman she isn't." This led to thoughts that she wasn't woman enough or that I would leave her for a transsexual woman like myself. She even had thoughts that I was attracted to men. I'm not by the way. We have managed to get past these things.

We're sort of stuck at my expression though. I joined the Gender Foundation to get out a bit and learn how to build my critical social skills. It's been one exception after another. It is too much for her. I'm hoping it's going to be enough for me. I'm still struggling a bit. Well a lot... I'm still dealing with tons of shame and guilt. I am really trying to get a grip on accepting myself for who and what I am. So I have been having wonderful moments of euphoria mixed in with times I wonder what the fuck I'm doing to myself. Part of that self acceptance is getting myself out and developing my style. I'm awkward at best in social situations. Even though my body is developing I haven't had the opportunity to work on being feminine. By that I mean I haven't had any time to learn to be comfortable with it. I've been taught how to do everything as a man from how to dress act feel groom etc... and I feel like I need to unlearn that or at least learn how to be a woman. Maybe if I could get into boot camp as a woman they could re-educate me correctly this time.

I've been learning about transition though. More than I ever wanted to know. I've learned all about the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care. I've learned about The Transgender American Vetreans Association. I've learned that most insurance companies won't cover me because I'm a transsexual. The VA has denied me treatment due to the fact that the treatment isn't clinically indicated. I've also learned that if it is indicated, which it is now, that they will deny my treatment because it is related to GID. I've learned how to shop around for the cheapest estrogen, spiro and, finasteride prescriptions. I've learned that, even though I feel naked without a shirt I can still pass as a man. I've learned that there are no extensions being granted for unemployment. I have 2 weeks left.

I've been shopping around for places to work at http://www.hrc.org There is a rating for Transgender Treatment Coverage in their Corporate Equality Index rating. Meanwhile I've dropped out of college because I couldn't take the pressure of transition, turning 40, planning a wedding and holding it all together. Something had to give and it was school. I couldn't give up on transition or the love of my life.

New Boots?

Now on to today. As mentioned before I got engaged. Well it has been two weeks today. I want a pair of calf boots but as my fiancee pointed out, "Where are you going? We're saving for a wedding and you want to buy a pair of boots you'll never wear anywhere" Fair enough. She's right. I got pulled over about 15 years ago while in drag and got felt up by the cops. About 10 years ago I got chased by some drunken teenagers and had to climb a 15' fence to get away. Then maybe 10 years ago I get picked up by a cop, while changing in a parking lot, and taken to court (immediately to night court) because I didn't have my insurance card and my appearance did not match my driver's licence. Given these experiences I wouldn't go out alone. Not in drag, not anymore. So where would I wear the boots? Did I mention she does not allow any of this to be out in our home? So yes I'm depressed today. I usually get depressed because I have trouble finding my size, yet today I find my size and am not able to justify buying the boots. I desperately want to get dolled up and go out tonight. It has been over a month and I've done nothing but wear some women's jeans. I have 2 pair. When I'm feeling brave I wear the hot pants and they generally get me some smiles. From most sorts anyway. Some glare at me. On most days though I wear some frumpy jeans that are a size too big. I really want the boots for my hot jeans. That would make me 6'4 in the boots. I already stick out, I really don't care about sticking out as long as I had something nice other than guy shoes that go with the jeans. Let's be honest. When you want to get dolled up you don't want to wear sneakers. 

Anyway that's my deal today. With the step daughter around I can't even get dolled up and sit around the house. With the cops and rednecks around here I can't go out alone. I'd make some trans friends but due to her previous divorce she has serious trust issues and I can't leave the home. I know I have to put my foot down and stand up for this and I would if I had any trans friends to hang out with. So I'm going to push outside my comfortable bubble zone and attempt to make some trans friends. Even in my lonely depression I've found a little hope. 

Next day. I was scheduled to see my new shrink. A staff shrink at one of the local VA hospitals. I specifically requested someone who would be on staff for some time to come. After all I've had this problem my whole life and it isn't going away. I figure doing this correctly once will keep my from repeating myself for the rest of my life. Figuring maybe I would be able to get deeper into this long term. 

So I show up and he/she wasn't there. Wonderful! I got to wait another 45 minutes to find out I was going to see 2 people that I probably wouldn't see again. Just what I wanted. I love to waste my time. After all I have nothing better to do than repeat myself on a daily basis and spin my wheels in therapy. 

Guy #1 I repeat myself from the day before. He proceeds to tell me that my anxiety is all in my head, GID is no big deal and that GID isn't really a disorder. So I'm taking all this much too seriously. 

Girl #2 Again I repeat myself, however this time she is reading from a form. How encouraging. I look close and think she may be transgender. I'm too polite to ask, GGs (Genetic Girls) get too upset if you even ask. I leave the question stored in my head for the time being and just move on filling in the blanks in my medical documentation.  I've been diagnosed with GID and now I'm being documented. Guy #1 prescribes me Zoloft, the stuff that makes kids kill themselves. Well I didn't ask for the crap. I won't take it. I like my feelings. I don't care if I'm blue or happy. I want to deal with my feelings. I admitted that I wouldn't mind a Valium now and then but I am not about to take something that is going to effect me 24 hours a day every day. I'm supposed to take it every morning. That just isn't going to happen. 

I leave that day happy with knowing I have made some inroads into the formality of my condition. I'm still looking foward to getting acquainted with my new shrink eventually. 

Well here we are and you're asking yourself, "Why are we even here?" Two days ago I went to the doctor and got diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder. There was a very enthusiastic intern in the office as I poured out my soul about wanting to express my inner identity. I'm dizzy and my mind is spinning, I only came out to my fiancee ten days before and here I am comming out to two more people that I didn't even know. 

Sure there was that one time in second grade. The day of pictures for first communion. After running from the church to the cafeteria bathroom to cry because I couldn't wear one of the dresses the girls wore, I came out to the priest, who swore me to secrecy and told me to pray for forgiveness every time I had that kind of deviant thought. Yep we had a discussion about being deviant as I covered his shirt with tears and snot. I didn't undersand anything he had to say but I did as he told me. I mean I prayed for forgiveness but I had no concept of how this could be wrong. So I suppose that one didn't count. 

I'm sitting there in the office and this intern gets up, late for a previously scheduled appointment, and says, "Good luck on your journey." Instantly I felt this huge weight pushing me back into my seat. I'm almost 40 and I'm feeling like I just pushed off shore onto the log flume to hell. She leaves and we get into personal relationships. Dad thinks this is a, "fucked up sex thing", and mom can't stop telling me about every drag queen she's ever talked to. I'm assuming she's trying to get me to come out. I don't know. I feel like a monster, I can't change and I need help because I can't take it anymore. 

"Good luck on your journey." the intern said with the most supportive and nuturing smile. I just got engaged! Eleven days later I'm getting a call from the psycologist and he's telling me I've been diagnosed with GID. Sure I knew, I'd done my research, I'd been through the over compensation, I'd been through wardrobe purges. I knew the drill and the behavior I was engaged in. Twelve years ago I made a New Year's resolution to get treatment for it but instead I suffered in silence. Returning home to comfort myself with solitude. Five years without a relationship dealing with this "journey". Out of honest desperation I came out to my fiancee. I couldn't bear her leaving me for not being honest, so I come out before I buy the ring. She is adamant that I get help, then I do, just to find out that our fears are true... GID. 

So today, day E+11, I sit in amazement of what I already knew. The world looks different out there now. It looks... well surreal. I can't get myself to go to the mailbox at the end of the driveway. If I go out someone will see me. I'd already heard the teenagers talking outside before, "Is that a man or a woman?" I can't let them see me. Not today. I don't know the answer unless the answer is, "Yes." Today my knees are weak and my head feels like it is floating above my body. Is this really my life? What have I done? I only wanted to be honest. Now look what I've gone and done to my life!