The invisible line.

First off I feel that I need to apologize for my last post. I haven't done a complete flip on my opinion but I have a better insight into the issue. I can not condemn people for doing drag shows anymore. They find acceptance of who they are, and I can sympathize with that. I find myself drawing a parallel between drag queens and Uncle Tom.

I am not here for that though. In some ways I am still going through a dark place. My wife has been in bad health for about 18 months now and is showing no sign of getting better any time soon. I got a raise at work but I'll still be in the red for a long time. I'm 41 now. Why the hell am I still living check to check? Hell that doesn't sound so bad really. I'm actually about a month behind everything at the moment. My kids didn't come over again for a visit and I didn't get a call for my birthday or on father's day again. They are 14 and 15 now so they know better. I was all set to come out. They still don't know. I haven't seen them for about 18 months as well. The only time I see them is when I look at their pictures on my desk. I've decided to cut them out along with my bigoted in-laws.

Still these are things that I did not plan on talking about.

I went on vacation 3 weeks ago. It was a 2 week vacation and we bought a new car before we left. It is a 2010 Traverse if you must know. Anyway, the weekend before we left I got my hair, fingers and toes done. That was the first time in my life all 3 coincided in one day. I felt great.

So on to vacation. Past Missouri and through Kansas, headed west through Colorado I started to tucker out. Sign in at the hotel. "You ladies have a nice evening." Hmm... I shrug and figure the guy was just tired. I had not shaved for over 12 hours, there is no way he couldn't tell. I throw on some concealer the next morning and head out after breakfast. Oh Shit! I used the mens' room and I am trapped in the stall. It was empty when I went in. I thought this guy was gonna shit himself when he saw me walk out. (Note to self. Don't use the mens' room anymore.) After passing through Utah and heading into Arizona I start to realize that I'm not getting flagged I'm getting checked out. What a mind fuck, suddenly I don't want to go anywhere strange alone.

After passing through Arizona, through New Mexico and back into Colorado I realize it. I have crossed that invisible line. I actually started to think so a couple days earlier but I dismissed it due to the fact that we were on the reservation and they don't see white folks every day. I don't know why it took me so long to get it. I spent hours in the hot tub in Flagstaff. Thank god my wife does most of the talking. I am still not awfully confident about my voice. It has gotten me a few sideways looks. But yea... for better or worse I've crossed that line. I get odd looks when I don't shave and walk into a store. I don't get odd looks when I do shave. I guess people just blow it off and figure me for a butch lesbian. I can live with that. After spending that time in the hot tub my confidence is through the roof.

This is why I am having a problem adjusting to work again. I know I have to let my facial hair grow out for 3 days a week. I am still getting zapped once a week for two hours. So there is no sense coming out at work but... UGH... Patience is a virtue. Well that is what they say anyway. I can't say it gets any easier, even after my recent positive experiences. I can say that it is different.

Take care.
Eli