Friday, June 4, 2010

Transitioning

What a long strange trip. It has been 5 1/2 months since I posted last. I've been through so many things since then. My clothes have gone from the closet to the garage and recently back into the closet. My fiancee is the most patient woman in the world. She doesn't really understand what is going on but she feels for me. She cares and has been at my side this whole time. She even went to the endocrinologist with me.

With that in mind I've been continuing therapy and have found a psychologist with experience in transition and relationships. She has been wonderful and has helped me to realize all the issues I've been dealing with are normal for a person in my position. One issue that stands out is how insecure this all has made my fiancee. I could never have guessed this would effect her in this way. I never would have thought I would be threatening our relationship by "becoming the woman she isn't." This led to thoughts that she wasn't woman enough or that I would leave her for a transsexual woman like myself. She even had thoughts that I was attracted to men. I'm not by the way. We have managed to get past these things.

We're sort of stuck at my expression though. I joined the Gender Foundation to get out a bit and learn how to build my critical social skills. It's been one exception after another. It is too much for her. I'm hoping it's going to be enough for me. I'm still struggling a bit. Well a lot... I'm still dealing with tons of shame and guilt. I am really trying to get a grip on accepting myself for who and what I am. So I have been having wonderful moments of euphoria mixed in with times I wonder what the fuck I'm doing to myself. Part of that self acceptance is getting myself out and developing my style. I'm awkward at best in social situations. Even though my body is developing I haven't had the opportunity to work on being feminine. By that I mean I haven't had any time to learn to be comfortable with it. I've been taught how to do everything as a man from how to dress act feel groom etc... and I feel like I need to unlearn that or at least learn how to be a woman. Maybe if I could get into boot camp as a woman they could re-educate me correctly this time.

I've been learning about transition though. More than I ever wanted to know. I've learned all about the
Harry Benjamin Standards of Care. I've learned about The Transgender American Vetreans Association. I've learned that most insurance companies won't cover me because I'm a transsexual. The VA has denied me treatment due to the fact that the treatment isn't clinically indicated. I've also learned that if it is indicated, which it is now, that they will deny my treatment because it is related to GID. I've learned how to shop around for the cheapest estrogen, spiro and, finasteride prescriptions. I've learned that, even though I feel naked without a shirt I can still pass as a man. I've learned that there are no extensions being granted for unemployment. I have 2 weeks left.

I've been shopping around for places to work at http://www.hrc.org There is a rating for Transgender Treatment Coverage in their
Corporate Equality Index rating. Meanwhile I've dropped out of college because I couldn't take the pressure of transition, turning 40, planning a wedding and holding it all together. Something had to give and it was school. I couldn't give up on transition or the love of my life.