Hello all,
Good evening.
I'm humbled.
I have super low self esteem these days so it's really nice to have you here. I'm rarely lost for words but I'm stunned.
Over 10 years ago, somewhere around 2008 the Internet was different. I was struggling with self acceptance and I stumbled across YouTube. At the time it had a comfortable conversational vibe to it and small communities started popping up.
One of those "communities" was
the queer community. Back then YouTube was more of a message in a
bottle, much less complicated and much less commercial. No one was
getting their faces on beer cans back then. I'm probably going to age myself by bringing this up but I was a huge fan of Lady V. Love you V. And Penny Z. I'll never forget Tranny Star Galactica. Jennifer Finley boylan was a big influence in my second marriage for quite some time.
Anyway, people posted videos and reactions back and forth with each other in an interpersonal manner. People were curious back then and less judgemental. I posted a coming out video that I had recorded from my step daughter's laptop.
Well she found it and I was immediately 100% out of the closet. Straight to therapy for another attempt at behavioral modification. Me, being a perfectionist, decided it best to go to a specialist.
Well that didn't work out as planned. After one session of family therapy (6 months after I started) the stepchild beat her mother and left. Yeah... drama
She eventually came back and destroyed us. But that's another story for another day. I stopped by just to let you all know I'm not great but I'm getting by day by day. I had no idea what I had done by starting this blog or YouTube. Not to mention the 5000 Facebook friends. I know I parked my Facebook account but I just don't feel safe right now being in the public eye.
I had aspirations in my youth to be a community leader so I enlisted. I was thinking maybe, or treasurer, or clerk or something. Being queer wasn't in the plan. I didn't want to be queer. What I didn't realize is that no one can make you un-queer.
It's probably the first time I failed in my life. I was always able to buckle down and push forward really hard and put everything I had into whatever I wanted to do. There was nothing I couldn't do that I put my mind to. Well, I don't know how you feel about God or fate or any of that stuff. But when a specialist in the field tells you they can't help you and that you have to accept yourself...
That was the first time I felt like I wasn't in charge
of my own destiny. Fate has dealt me a hand. There's a lot of stories
between there and here. Mostly loss. But I had it all for a while. Split
level 3 story with two new cars in the garage and another two car
garage in the backyard by the pool. Biggest above ground pool you can
buy.
Yeah I lost my mother and then I lost my father and my home & dog and wife and the two cars and the motorcycle & the pool & the acre and the white picket fence that surrounded it. Honestly the white picket fence was only for a couple hundred feet that was exposed to the street. I had those climbing flowers with the hummingbirds and used to sit at the entrance to my garage and just stare in wonder at the joys of life.
Now it's me alone in a home, on a quarter acre, by myself. Surrounded in a sea of homes in the middle of the suburbs east of St Louis.
Everything seemed to go sideways that year. I worked for the government & Trump was putting in his cronies. Picked up an LOJ. Got "laid off" when "government decided to go in another direction" when I was in the middle of a clearance upgrade. I literally had another job across the street on base with transcom starting the next day. I already had my LOJ. Someone decided to push a clearance upgrade without consulting with me. I was in serious legal trouble. My ex-wife bought into a plan the step kid hatched.
Even though she didn't have a scratch I was kidnapped by the "first responders" and thrown in with the rapists and the wife beaters. No warrant. Disturbed me in the middle of talking a crap. Probable cause? Not... I have yet to see anyone take a threatening shit.
Wild ride. I'm fortunate to be here and alive, again. Well that was over 5 years ago. I resigned as a delegate. I'm no longer on the executive board at the VFW, & I have no love for my fellow citizens anymore. Being swatted by a Karen in this town is devastating.
All the good character and service I had done was thrown out in favor of hate, bigotry, and I guess fear? There's an old meme floating around the internet. Something along the lines of, "if this country is going to fail because I want to look cute in tight then this country has bigger problems than I do". Maybe I can find it around somewhere and post it. It's just ironic the truth in that.
I will never ever ever again serve a master that locks me in a hole with no rights. This is on top of losing two children six dogs nine cats and 125 acres. This is a horrible country. The great melting pot has become the great embarrassment. Who do we think we're kidding with this two-party system? No One believes it. It doesn't matter who you vote for because someone else already bought them.
It's a shame. Truth. I have a cousin who will remain nameless. State representative, who gave up because no one is interested in doing the right thing. Politicians won't do anything or make any compromises unless money crosses their hand. This is a complaint coming from someone who was making $16 million a year. 16 million a year and he couldn't get anything done. It's a shame. Shameful country these days. I no longer feel the call serve.
I don't have 16 million a year. Not that that makes a difference anymore. That's how far gone this democracy is. It's not a democracy to be honest. I don't know why we're taught that stupid crap. This is a Republic and it's very evident. You're not going to get anywhere on merit or hard work unless you do it yourself for yourself.
As soon as the government let the so-called churches funnel money through them for campaigns The witch Hunt has been on.
I used to be a patriot, I can't say that anymore. I've lost faith. I used to be a Catholic and I've lost faith in that as well. Delivered from slavery my ass.
So now for those who want to know what the hell is up in my life. And for some reason people want to know. I pulled my Facebook account because my ex-wife is a complete narcissistic abuser and I'm trying the "zero contact" thing but she's crazy. Nut job.
I used to call that bitch the warden. And now most days I just do nothing. Or the people that follow my YouTube know I'm playing video games. Thousands upon thousands of hours of video games.
I would love to meet most of you. But the climate we live in being trans is just not safe. I've kept my movements to "need to know" only. Spend most of my time locked behind one door or another.
I know I'm not the only one afraid to walk the streets these days. Though I never walked the stroll. These are not good times and this is not a good country anymore. I don't know why the hell people keep trying to come here. I was looking to leave the place but losing my clearance put the kibosh on that.
Please travel together, find friends and get out. If you're out, and you find a place with good security, let me know. I might want to join you.
Looking to sell and get the f*** out of this place. Same problem everyone else has though. I can't afford to buy another house and I'm definitely not going to work for the government again. I have all these daggers in my back.
Back in the seventies there was this movement of "be the change". Well the '70s turned into the 80s and then the 90s turned into something not so horrible and then the two thousands decided we should all go back and live in the late 50s before civil rights.
Price of freedom is eternal vigilance. Nobody's guarding the gate. No one loves his country anymore. Everyone's trying to make it something it's not. It's a waste of energy. You're not a constituent anymore, you're a subject. We have the worst of all worlds. Freedom isn't free and you're going to need at least about 2 million to have a little taste. It's a crying shame but we've become a corptocracy. We're living in some kind of corporatocratic feudalism.
I think I'm going to sit it out for the rest of my life. Just sit back and watch everyone tear this country apart.
So much for progress. Economic stability is a thing of the past especially now that you can't trust the police. The Nazis used to say they were just doing their job. Now the police have been sent out on hits. You can't give an emergency clause to people who believe everything they do is an emergency.
You shouldn't lose everything every time someone decides to break up with you but that's just how the legal system works these days.
If you don't comply you're a criminal and you're locked up. If you do comply you're a slave. Horrible horrible country. They're never going to fix the border because they need new blood to take advantage of. They need people that don't understand how the system works.
People living here don't breed. You can't afford to. They need fresh livestock. Everyone's running around in a panic just trying to survive. There is no protection for the poor on the streets. Absolutely none. God help you if you're queer or trans or gay or anything other than married with children. Every time a politician says family my skin crawls. It's not me and likely anti-me.
Legally I'm the father of two children but that means absolutely nothing. No birthdays or Christmas. Just a check sent every month and an excuse from the mother why you can't see your children. The only way to change that is to throw the mother of your children in jail for non-compliance. Now tell me, how is that good for families? I know I'm not the only one that didn't have the heart to do that.
If I adjusted for inflation, everything the government has taken from me for the sake of "children", I would have over 3 million in the bank on top of 125 acres. How do I know? The rule of 17. Google it. It's a good trick for planning for your retirement. You're likely never going to see that day.
We've thrown a generation of good men in jail and made them criminals for no reason at all. "For the children" they say. Well my ex's are all broke or dead or both. At least I didn't have to pay for their medical bills when they got ugly and old.
They wonder what's wrong with the kids. The dipshits didn't realize children have eyes and ears and little bitty brains to comprehend this stuff? The judicial branch tears families apart and throws away their wealth. You know, "for the children".
It's not going to change because there's no money in it. It's better for GDP if the breadwinner has to start over multiple times. There's less savings and more control over our behavior when we're broke.
I think the only thing keeping us from open rebellion is social security. The American dream is dead. Everyone's just praying there's a chicken in their pot when they get old.
We import everything now. We even import wealth. Guess what, you don't think we can compete with slavery? Labor is cheaper here than slavery. You have to keep your slave fed and in good health or they die.
It's not genocide because it doesn't discriminate. My God, a non-human corporate entity has more rights than a human being and it never dies. There's no empathy only an endless need for human bodies to exploit and break.
Corptocratic moralism? Is that a thing? I don't think so. I think the marxists are just using the moralists to get what they're wanting in the end.
I'm thinking it's a play to get these moralists to dump all their money out into politics where it really doesn't make a bit of difference. Hey at least they're finally starting to lock these shit bags up. They knew the population dip was coming, and instead of saving for it they spent like they were mad drunk on something. I'm thinking they were mad drunk with power.
They taught us about this population dip in grade school. Our government is not smarter than a 5th grader. And I think they have less maturity.
Good luck out there. If you see the police run. If you see Karen run the other way. People were giving me their phone number when I bailed out. Lucky I wasn't raped. Very...
I've got some good stories maybe one of these days I'll write a book.
Kisses 💋 and hugs 🤗
Eli
