I just want to blog about the crazies. You know the kind if you have ever been part of a trans group. Hell I am trans and I look at some of these bozos and think they're bonkers. I have omitted pictures to protect privacy but you will know the type I speak of if you have ever been to a trans group.
Wait wait...
Let me pull back a bit to put some perspective on this. At our educational outreach group this weekend at the STLGF we had a speaker on political activism who came in to give us a status report on what was going on in regards to civil rights progress for trans people. This gentleman walks in, with a masters from Oxford.
Great! I am thinking to myself. We as a group have competent representation in the Missouri lobby. This gentleman goes on to describe in a fair amount of detail how difficult it is to pass any type of progressive trans bill in Missouri. The legislative consensus is that the trans community is a bunch of wacko nutjobs who are off their rockers. People just don't want a bunch of perverts running the streets with legislative protection.
I am outraged! How dare our representatives deny us our rights!
This is where I look around the room. Aw Hell !!! 75% of the room is full of wacko nutjobs who are off their rockers. (For clarification let me state that there is not one FTM member in attendance.) So I look to the far end of the room. There is a guy in a camouflage ball cap, I don't think he's shaved since the day before. He is wearing a dirty t-shirt, and a gypsy skirt that does not match. Wait it gets better! He also has on white stockings, and has his white tube socks over them. These are stuffed into some kind of fluorescent purple shoe. I'm not done yet. He also has some fake EEE bazoombas. My wife is barely holding her composure, she can hardly control herself and wants to start yelling at this idiot.
But wait there is more! At the table next to ours is a gentleman who is also wearing a camouflage ball cap. I'm thinking this guy hasn't shaved since the day before as well. Bla bla... Guy's t-shirt, jean jacket, jeans, etc... Over the jeans are a pair of black patent leather stripper boots with a 4 inch heel that come half way up his thigh. He also sports some kind of girly coin purse on his macho belt. OK now... I am uncomfortable. I don't want to be associated with this kind of behavior.
Our state lobbyist is here. I'm in business casual so are about 10% of the people there. There are others who are fairly put together but in casual. I have no problem with that. These friggin nut jobs though... What the fuck?!? This is what the legislature and the general public thinks of when they want to pass anti-trans legislation. I can not blame them. They saunter into women's restrooms with out batting an eye. My wife who is a huge trans-rights supporter wants to lock up these idiots. She will not go to the bathroom at the meetings anymore. She is afraid for her safety and I can not blame her.
So I go home... I'm in the middle of a breakdown now. The public sees me as part of the general population of trans-people that is comprised of these freaks and weirdos. I contemplate my own sanity, I desperately want to denounce that I am trans, I consider suicide because I can not wish being trans away. Bitter old haggy drag queens and freaks... these are my people? Fuck no! I am a simple, middle class, person who wants to blend in with society without notice. I do not want to be exceptional in any way.
But now... now what do I do? I could not come to terms with being trans because I am not like that. Now I am trans and have come to terms with it but I can not accept the company that society puts me with. I am in the middle of a meltdown. I cried on and off the last two days. I no longer want to transition. I have not stopped HRT. I tried that many times only to fail. However I will not present myself in that manner. I can not. Not now. I can not be seen as one of them. I would sooner die. These guys that throw on a skirt & heels and fake boobs to get their jollies fuck my world up. I can not be around it. They are ruining my life. I hide and they prance around with hard cocks under their skirts. What the fuck is wrong with this world?
So what is the point? Keep your fuckin fetish behind closed doors. No one wants to see it. Post it on CraigsList with the rest of the pervs but keep it off my streets. Keep it away from my children and my wife. Do what you want. I respect your rights of free expression. Just do not do this shit in places that undermine my rights. I have respect for myself. I work hard and damn it I deserve my rights.
If these right wing religious freaks really wanted to squash trans-related civil rights, all they really need to do is dress up like fruitcake nutjobs and walk around. That should completely kill off any chance I have of having equal rights. So I am going stealth, not trans-stealth, just stealth. I can in no way get rid of how I feel and the way I was born. What I can do is keep it to myself. My family knows, my friends know, and that is well enough for me. I would dearly love to be out to the world as my true self but that just is not going to happen. I am not like them and I will not have my friends, co-workers, family and peers thinking of me like that.
Is passing the point? Fuck yes! So until I do, fuck this.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Cruise Control
It has been another month. In three more weeks I will have been on HRT for a year. What a journey that has been. I have had so many ups and downs it is good to finally find myself in a good place.
The past few months have been wonderful. (With the exception of the job I have but hate.) I have found acceptance within myself. I know I said something similar before but I actually have it now. Let me explain:
Remember back in your 20's somewhere (if you are not there yet *Spoiler Allert*) when you stopped trying to fit in and established your independence from everyone? Well this is more like that. I am at that place that right wing religious freaks hate. I will go out and present myself as a woman even with facial hair. I have gotten to the point that I just don't care. I actually like the way I look in the mirror most of the time. Do I know I don't fit in? Of course I do. Do I care? Nope! Do I fit in when I'm clean shaven? For the most part I do. If you look close enough you will see those closely shaven hairs hiding under my foundation. That requires good lighting and close proximity. I don't avoid those situations anymore. I am tired of trying to fit in.
I have my wife to thank for my change of attitude. She has me convinced that I am hot. I know that is a biased opinion but now I agree with her. I have gotten to a point, finally, where I can go out in public with her without embarrassing her. I have crossed that invisible line.
I have had others, other trans women, tell me that I am totally passable. I believed them to a point. I was considering the source of course. Now with my own eyes I have seen the results of 11 months of HRT and anti-androgens. I have walked up to people and they were none the wiser. That gives me great comfort to finally accept myself for who I am.
Am I flaggable? Well to a point. I have flagged many cis-women and been wrong. This is my assumption of where I fit in. I do not believe that I have reached pinup status nor do I think I'm a knockout. I do know that at times I look and feel hot. I have had cis-women comment on being jealous of some of my features. Well... not to brag, my eyebrows, my legs, my nails, my makeup, my clothes, and my shoes. Not too shabby if I am allowed to say so. What I am sure they are not jealous of are my nose, my chin, my shoulders, and my stubborn facial hair. So maybe there may be a need of some FFS in my future but I might be trying to fix what isn't broken. I'll decide that in another year or so.
Now on to the kibbles and bits. I have started Depo injections on top of my estradiol (E2) pills. So I am now on 4 1mg pills a day plus a 1ml dose of Depo-Estradiol 5mg/ml every 2 weeks. I also take one 100mg pill of Prometrium and two 50mg pills of Spironolactone every 12 hours. The estradiol pills I take at 5 hour intervals from waking. This is usually at 7:30am, 1:00pm, 6:00pm and when I go to bed, which is usually 10:30pm to 2:30am. I know some people are stuck on the premise that you have to take them all at the exact time every day. This is not true. The important part of a HRT regimen is keeping your levels consistent. What does that mean to me? It means that I want to be at or slightly above 600 Picograms per milliliter (pg/mL) as measured by Labcorp. Different labs will yield different results with the same blood. It is important that you have a doctor monitor these levels and that your doctor knows the difference between results from different labs. If you are familiar with lab results you will notice that this number is high for a genetic female. A pre-menopausal woman will have levels ranging from 30–400pg/mL. While in puberty those levels can be as high as 600pg/mL. This is the range where most of the secondary sex characteristics are triggered. Your testosterone level will drop as you take more estrogen as well. The anti-androgens don't do much to the mature male other than curb hair growth, legs, armpits, chest, arms, there simply isn't much that can be reversed. It does make a difference though. A big difference in my opinion. I also take 2.5mg Finasteride every morning to keep any testosterone left in my body from converting to dihydrotestosterone (DHT). I have noticed a fuller head of hair since I started taking it.
What are the results of all this technical info in practice? At 11 months I am a B and still going. I have very little body hair but even after 50+ hours of electrolysis I am hardly half way done removing facial hair. I have noticed the biggest changes in my mannerisms and my speaking. My face has also come along quite well. So in short the results have been indicating success. I still have another year to go before I will have any clue of how I will look like for the rest of my life but if this year is any indicator, I believe I am in for a happy life.
So my attitude has been to take a step back. I need to give my medical plan time to take full effect. My journey is a long one so for now I am going to kick back and put it on cruise control.
The past few months have been wonderful. (With the exception of the job I have but hate.) I have found acceptance within myself. I know I said something similar before but I actually have it now. Let me explain:
Remember back in your 20's somewhere (if you are not there yet *Spoiler Allert*) when you stopped trying to fit in and established your independence from everyone? Well this is more like that. I am at that place that right wing religious freaks hate. I will go out and present myself as a woman even with facial hair. I have gotten to the point that I just don't care. I actually like the way I look in the mirror most of the time. Do I know I don't fit in? Of course I do. Do I care? Nope! Do I fit in when I'm clean shaven? For the most part I do. If you look close enough you will see those closely shaven hairs hiding under my foundation. That requires good lighting and close proximity. I don't avoid those situations anymore. I am tired of trying to fit in.
I have my wife to thank for my change of attitude. She has me convinced that I am hot. I know that is a biased opinion but now I agree with her. I have gotten to a point, finally, where I can go out in public with her without embarrassing her. I have crossed that invisible line.
I have had others, other trans women, tell me that I am totally passable. I believed them to a point. I was considering the source of course. Now with my own eyes I have seen the results of 11 months of HRT and anti-androgens. I have walked up to people and they were none the wiser. That gives me great comfort to finally accept myself for who I am.
Am I flaggable? Well to a point. I have flagged many cis-women and been wrong. This is my assumption of where I fit in. I do not believe that I have reached pinup status nor do I think I'm a knockout. I do know that at times I look and feel hot. I have had cis-women comment on being jealous of some of my features. Well... not to brag, my eyebrows, my legs, my nails, my makeup, my clothes, and my shoes. Not too shabby if I am allowed to say so. What I am sure they are not jealous of are my nose, my chin, my shoulders, and my stubborn facial hair. So maybe there may be a need of some FFS in my future but I might be trying to fix what isn't broken. I'll decide that in another year or so.
Now on to the kibbles and bits. I have started Depo injections on top of my estradiol (E2) pills. So I am now on 4 1mg pills a day plus a 1ml dose of Depo-Estradiol 5mg/ml every 2 weeks. I also take one 100mg pill of Prometrium and two 50mg pills of Spironolactone every 12 hours. The estradiol pills I take at 5 hour intervals from waking. This is usually at 7:30am, 1:00pm, 6:00pm and when I go to bed, which is usually 10:30pm to 2:30am. I know some people are stuck on the premise that you have to take them all at the exact time every day. This is not true. The important part of a HRT regimen is keeping your levels consistent. What does that mean to me? It means that I want to be at or slightly above 600 Picograms per milliliter (pg/mL) as measured by Labcorp. Different labs will yield different results with the same blood. It is important that you have a doctor monitor these levels and that your doctor knows the difference between results from different labs. If you are familiar with lab results you will notice that this number is high for a genetic female. A pre-menopausal woman will have levels ranging from 30–400pg/mL. While in puberty those levels can be as high as 600pg/mL. This is the range where most of the secondary sex characteristics are triggered. Your testosterone level will drop as you take more estrogen as well. The anti-androgens don't do much to the mature male other than curb hair growth, legs, armpits, chest, arms, there simply isn't much that can be reversed. It does make a difference though. A big difference in my opinion. I also take 2.5mg Finasteride every morning to keep any testosterone left in my body from converting to dihydrotestosterone (DHT). I have noticed a fuller head of hair since I started taking it.
What are the results of all this technical info in practice? At 11 months I am a B and still going. I have very little body hair but even after 50+ hours of electrolysis I am hardly half way done removing facial hair. I have noticed the biggest changes in my mannerisms and my speaking. My face has also come along quite well. So in short the results have been indicating success. I still have another year to go before I will have any clue of how I will look like for the rest of my life but if this year is any indicator, I believe I am in for a happy life.
So my attitude has been to take a step back. I need to give my medical plan time to take full effect. My journey is a long one so for now I am going to kick back and put it on cruise control.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)