Dealing with it...

Well since I last checked in I've basically felt like a woman trying to act like a man. I try to be comfortable with facial hair but it still is not working for me. I can not seem to "just deal with it" as my wife puts it. I feel like I just can't "just deal with it" anymore. I am not too awfully happy with where I am at the moment. I hate having to have an expiration on my female mode. I am dealing with the lack of time presenting female as best I can. That involves lots of depression. I don't feel like I am trying to rush my transition. I feel like I am just trying to fix what is wrong with me.

Aside from all that my wife still thinks maybe I am bi-polar or something and wants me to at least explore that issue more. She is of the opinion that my GID is due to extreme manic episodes that cause me to have delusions that I want to be a woman. She sees my depression as a down and my being able to express myself as an up. The observations of my mood being more positive presenting as female are mostly true. I mean... I am happier that way. I am happy that I no longer have to hide the fact that I am trans. However that feeling is short lived since my trans privilege is not the best. I don't feel bi-polar, I feel gender dysphoric. I dunno... manic? Me? I'm thinking more along the lines of justifiable anxiety and depression due to GID. I have said I would look into it for her. I can identify with dysphoric mania slightly. I simply think that mental issues that need treatment are due to some sort of irrational behavior or irrational thinking. I feel it is perfectly rational to be depressed because I have to present as a man. I feel it is perfectly reasonable to have anxiety over presenting as a woman in public since it is still all so new to me. If it gives her some peace of mind I guess I will look into it. My feelings though... I have felt this way for a long time and the only thing different from now and then is the fact that now everyone knows, I can't fight it anymore and I believe I will be happier post transition.

I am getting way too tired to even think straight. Maybe that is my mania manifesting itself through insomnia. What the hell... anything is possible at this point. I once asked my therapist about this and her reply was that the treatment would still be the same regardless. GID is GID regardless of the origin. She does not believe that it is mania since it stems from so long ago. According to her I am a textbook case. Whatever that means. My wife wants a second opinion. I guess I have no choice but to give her what she wants.