Feeling good lately.

Feeling good lately. I'm down to 5 x 1/2 cigarettes a day. Ultra lights so that is progress. Today is officially 2 1/2 months since I legally started my transition. I self medicated for a while and that did not work out well. I ended up hospitalized with a blockage in my kidney that killed about an almond sized part of it. Counterfeit non prescription drugs. Nuff said there. The job search continues and goes well. Finally people are calling for interviews. I have started comming across more desperate. Seems like that is in demand these days.

My marriage goes well. We went to Amish country to a B&B for the weekend and that went well. Err... well sort of. We got called ladies again at lunch then I got flagged about a zillion times at dinner. I was freaking. I can usually handle it. I know I still look like a TV sometimes. I really think the reason I almost broke down is because of how high I was from being called a lady earlier that day. I've taken to not wearing makeup lately. I think it draws too much attention to the male features of my face. My face is what is flagging me. Everything else is appearing fairly female. I have all but given up on "passing". I feel like a woman but I look TV. It is awkward but I am still plodding along with going full time no matter what. Oh yea the date for that was the 19th. After I got the go ahead from my wife to dress at home going out was just... well it was just there. Something to do I suppose. One thing I have learned from life is to take an opportunity when it presents itself. Life is too short to do otherwise. I have almost come to the conclusion I will need FFS and probably breast enhancement. So starting full time now was not just an opportunity it seems like a necessity.

My name change is in progress. I have chosen Elizabeth Serenity and I will be taking my wife's last name. The court date is set for August 27th at 8:30am. Voice training goes much slower. I have taken a few days off. It just seems so... ugh... unproductive. I am plodding along there all be it slowly. Anyone reading this is welcome to comment and recommend a product that helped them. I'd appreciate knowing why you feel it helped you as well. I am contemplating a training CD.

Well in closing I just want to state that I haven't had an "oh shit what the fuck am I doing to my life" episode for over a week now and I no longer have suicidal thoughts. Coming out was terrible. I am just glad I made it through to the other side. Dysphoria still comes and goes. I just wish I looked outside how I feel inside. I am getting there. I just need more patience.