Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Response

Response to comment:
http://elizabethserenitybliss.blogspot.com/2011/04/aw-hell.html?showComment=1332179991422#c6413484019556285834

I would agree if this were a perfect world. However it is not. Hell if the world were perfect I wouldn't have been born male.

To your point. Rape crisis centers barely have enough funding to function. There will never be enough money to run MTF only rape centers.

You are missing one vital fact in your point of view. I was born female, in a male body. Why should I be denied women-only spaces? Why should I be denied equal rights? Why should I be treated as less than human?

The motives are simply equal rights. Nothing more, we aren't asking for anything more than the rights you enjoy as a woman. There are only 15 states where it is illegal to discriminate against trans men and women.

http://www.thetaskforce.org/downloads/reports/issue_maps/non_discrimination_1_12_color.pdf

We do not enjoy the protections of the bill of rights. We serve in the military and pay taxes yet we are treated as less than human.

One in 12 transgender women are murdered. Forty one percent of us commit suicide due to external social pressures.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/40279043/ns/health-health_care/t/transgender-americans-face-high-suicide-risk/#.T8SedVKw8tU

That means half of us die because we are trans. 49% of us die because we were born different. What is being done about it? Nothing. 26% of us report being physically assaulted and 50% don't report it. I know I didn't report it. That isn't even including the daily beatings I took in grade school before I even understood what it was for. The girls in my class even told me to use their bathroom so I wouldn't get beaten up anymore. That was in 2nd grade.

6 Months Later

It has been 6 months since my last post. I think That is due largely to depression. I was working two jobs. I don't know if I ever mentioned that here. I was given an ultimatum from both bosses that I needed to quit the other job. Well I picked the one I thought had a better future and I was wrong. About a month after I left my first job I was accused of saying something racial about another employee. My hours were cut immediately and I made only $600 that month. The next month I was accused of calling another employee a bitch and was fired. I was fired for high school he said she said BS.

So I appealed the denial for my unemployment and won since it was utter BS. They even tried to make it fly that I had performance issues but I cleared that up quickly. This is where it gets stupid. I was still denied unemployment because I left one job to work at the other. They said I was ineligible because I quit my job. I've been unemployed for almost as long as it has taken me to post another blog update.

So as a result I have no money for electrolysis or the BA I was hoping to get. I still have my health insurance through the VA so I am still on HRT. That hasn't stopped the depression from haunting me. The lack of progress in my transition has me convinced that I will soon commit suicide. That isn't the only reason.

My step daughter is moving out because I make her uncomfortable. If I had money I would leave. I don't feel welcome in my own home. Yesterday was Memorial day. My wife had planned to spend it in the pool relaxing. Well my wife invites my step daughter to have her friends over. So I got to spend the day alone, inside the house, by myself, with no money to leave and nowhere to go. I am isolated and depressed.

I need help but I don't even have enough money to get to the shrink even if I could get a free appointment. At this point I feel like inpatient supervision is what I need. I am losing it. Honestly I think I have already lost it.

My stepdaughter and mother in law have been trying to split my wife and I up. It isn't my imagination, they are very up front about it. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because my wife needs me. I feel lonely, betrayed and isolated now so my loyalty to her is slipping. I don't know how long I can hold on to her as my anchor. What I say does not matter. So why do I hold on? I don't feel like it is my home anymore. I feel like I just live here. I'm the gardener and the pool freak.

I desperately need the facial hair gone. I can't take the looks anymore. I am too developed for facial hair. People distance themselves from me. I have no friends. Not one. I have no one to turn to. I am to the point that I just can not take any more rejection. I try so hard to develop relationships and hold on to them but I can't find anyone to talk to for more than the time it takes to satisfy their curiosity. People simply pretend I don't exist. They turn their backs on me when I say hello. These are the same people that were friendly and neighborly before they knew. Now I am treated like a monster. More likely I am treated like a dog. Even lesser than a dog.

I keep interviewing for jobs and I keep getting passed over. I have made it to the final two, the final three and whatever... My resume makes the cut, I get the interviews, I get call backs for 2nd, 3rd, and sometimes 4th interview but I don't get the job. I don't think it is any mystery why. We are literally running out of food at home. We shop every two weeks but there is always less and less to eat. We have started a menu and no longer have money for food between meals. I had a bowl of rice today and a few slices of cheddar with some crackers.

Anyway, today I dressed up and tried to look like a guy as best I could. I don't have any nail polish on anything. I wore my old guy jeans but I'm too curvy for them to fit right anymore. I put on the tightest sport bra I own on the tightest notch. I covered that with a t-shirt with a bowling shirt over that. I didn't shave for two days and looked in the mirror and I don't see the guy that wore that stuff two years ago. I did my best to try to pull it off so my stepdaughter wouldn't feel uncomfortable. I stayed away from the pool and the guests so I wouldn't be seen.

I get called a lady or ma'am often. Men hold doors open for me. The neighbors say I look like a woman but I sound like a guy. I literally heard them. So am I that hideous? Am I so horrid that I shouldn't be able to enjoy family life, earn a living, or have a relationship with another human being? Apparently the answer to that is yes.

I don't know how much longer I can go on. I can't take much more. I can not sleep. I take downers to get some rest and I don't want to wake up. I used to pray that I would wake up a woman now I don't even want to wake up.