Well I have had one hell of a two month period. We've managed to buy a new car and our dream home. I got a raise and we just closed on our dream home. On top of that we just got back from vacation and had our first anniversary.
I am thrilled with my life. Everything has finally come together after years and years of hard work. I have only my wife and parents to thank. I can not say that anyone else has given us a break.
On the flip side my transition has come to a halt. There are no longer any small steps to take. Now I need to change over everything with my name on it. I suppose electrolysis could be considered a small step, I still go two hours every week. I think it as more of a maintenance chore that I will have to go through for the rest of my life.
I am contemplating laser at the moment. I am open to possibilities.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Two Percent
You know what?
I'm gonna back off on my opinions.
In fact I'm going to back off answering any opinions to the best of my ability from now on.
The fact is that I live in a very stable and comfortable bubble. I despise drama in any shape and/or form.
I cut drama from my life like a cancer. There have been many, many people that were in my life that no longer are. I have friends but I can count them on one hand. I am very particular about who I call friend. I am a stuck up pretentious bitch. I know it. I get on nerves and piss people off with my personal opinions because I am an elitist and a two percenter. I know for a fact that most people will not agree with a thing I say simply because most people can not live like me.
I apologize for succumbing to my urges to offer my opinions. I just can't do what most would. I can't live my life that way.
The fact is that my friends know this about me and accept it. It is the reason my first wife left me and my kids hate me. Can you imagine how much I expected from them? When you are like me everyone disappoints.
I am this way in a large part due to genetics but in an even greater way it is due to my parents. Failure has never been an option. Best was always an expectation.
The whole concept is exhausting. If I could change that part of me I would. My standards simply won't let me.
So if I come across condescending it is because, in my eyes, I have earned that right.
I'm gonna back off on my opinions.
In fact I'm going to back off answering any opinions to the best of my ability from now on.
The fact is that I live in a very stable and comfortable bubble. I despise drama in any shape and/or form.
I cut drama from my life like a cancer. There have been many, many people that were in my life that no longer are. I have friends but I can count them on one hand. I am very particular about who I call friend. I am a stuck up pretentious bitch. I know it. I get on nerves and piss people off with my personal opinions because I am an elitist and a two percenter. I know for a fact that most people will not agree with a thing I say simply because most people can not live like me.
I apologize for succumbing to my urges to offer my opinions. I just can't do what most would. I can't live my life that way.
The fact is that my friends know this about me and accept it. It is the reason my first wife left me and my kids hate me. Can you imagine how much I expected from them? When you are like me everyone disappoints.
I am this way in a large part due to genetics but in an even greater way it is due to my parents. Failure has never been an option. Best was always an expectation.
The whole concept is exhausting. If I could change that part of me I would. My standards simply won't let me.
So if I come across condescending it is because, in my eyes, I have earned that right.
Friday, July 1, 2011
The invisible line.
First off I feel that I need to apologize for my last post. I haven't done a complete flip on my opinion but I have a better insight into the issue. I can not condemn people for doing drag shows anymore. They find acceptance of who they are, and I can sympathize with that. I find myself drawing a parallel between drag queens and Uncle Tom.
I am not here for that though. In some ways I am still going through a dark place. My wife has been in bad health for about 18 months now and is showing no sign of getting better any time soon. I got a raise at work but I'll still be in the red for a long time. I'm 41 now. Why the hell am I still living check to check? Hell that doesn't sound so bad really. I'm actually about a month behind everything at the moment. My kids didn't come over again for a visit and I didn't get a call for my birthday or on father's day again. They are 14 and 15 now so they know better. I was all set to come out. They still don't know. I haven't seen them for about 18 months as well. The only time I see them is when I look at their pictures on my desk. I've decided to cut them out along with my bigoted in-laws.
Still these are things that I did not plan on talking about.
I went on vacation 3 weeks ago. It was a 2 week vacation and we bought a new car before we left. It is a 2010 Traverse if you must know. Anyway, the weekend before we left I got my hair, fingers and toes done. That was the first time in my life all 3 coincided in one day. I felt great.
So on to vacation. Past Missouri and through Kansas, headed west through Colorado I started to tucker out. Sign in at the hotel. "You ladies have a nice evening." Hmm... I shrug and figure the guy was just tired. I had not shaved for over 12 hours, there is no way he couldn't tell. I throw on some concealer the next morning and head out after breakfast. Oh Shit! I used the mens' room and I am trapped in the stall. It was empty when I went in. I thought this guy was gonna shit himself when he saw me walk out. (Note to self. Don't use the mens' room anymore.) After passing through Utah and heading into Arizona I start to realize that I'm not getting flagged I'm getting checked out. What a mind fuck, suddenly I don't want to go anywhere strange alone.
After passing through Arizona, through New Mexico and back into Colorado I realize it. I have crossed that invisible line. I actually started to think so a couple days earlier but I dismissed it due to the fact that we were on the reservation and they don't see white folks every day. I don't know why it took me so long to get it. I spent hours in the hot tub in Flagstaff. Thank god my wife does most of the talking. I am still not awfully confident about my voice. It has gotten me a few sideways looks. But yea... for better or worse I've crossed that line. I get odd looks when I don't shave and walk into a store. I don't get odd looks when I do shave. I guess people just blow it off and figure me for a butch lesbian. I can live with that. After spending that time in the hot tub my confidence is through the roof.
This is why I am having a problem adjusting to work again. I know I have to let my facial hair grow out for 3 days a week. I am still getting zapped once a week for two hours. So there is no sense coming out at work but... UGH... Patience is a virtue. Well that is what they say anyway. I can't say it gets any easier, even after my recent positive experiences. I can say that it is different.
Take care.
Eli
I am not here for that though. In some ways I am still going through a dark place. My wife has been in bad health for about 18 months now and is showing no sign of getting better any time soon. I got a raise at work but I'll still be in the red for a long time. I'm 41 now. Why the hell am I still living check to check? Hell that doesn't sound so bad really. I'm actually about a month behind everything at the moment. My kids didn't come over again for a visit and I didn't get a call for my birthday or on father's day again. They are 14 and 15 now so they know better. I was all set to come out. They still don't know. I haven't seen them for about 18 months as well. The only time I see them is when I look at their pictures on my desk. I've decided to cut them out along with my bigoted in-laws.
Still these are things that I did not plan on talking about.
I went on vacation 3 weeks ago. It was a 2 week vacation and we bought a new car before we left. It is a 2010 Traverse if you must know. Anyway, the weekend before we left I got my hair, fingers and toes done. That was the first time in my life all 3 coincided in one day. I felt great.
So on to vacation. Past Missouri and through Kansas, headed west through Colorado I started to tucker out. Sign in at the hotel. "You ladies have a nice evening." Hmm... I shrug and figure the guy was just tired. I had not shaved for over 12 hours, there is no way he couldn't tell. I throw on some concealer the next morning and head out after breakfast. Oh Shit! I used the mens' room and I am trapped in the stall. It was empty when I went in. I thought this guy was gonna shit himself when he saw me walk out. (Note to self. Don't use the mens' room anymore.) After passing through Utah and heading into Arizona I start to realize that I'm not getting flagged I'm getting checked out. What a mind fuck, suddenly I don't want to go anywhere strange alone.
After passing through Arizona, through New Mexico and back into Colorado I realize it. I have crossed that invisible line. I actually started to think so a couple days earlier but I dismissed it due to the fact that we were on the reservation and they don't see white folks every day. I don't know why it took me so long to get it. I spent hours in the hot tub in Flagstaff. Thank god my wife does most of the talking. I am still not awfully confident about my voice. It has gotten me a few sideways looks. But yea... for better or worse I've crossed that line. I get odd looks when I don't shave and walk into a store. I don't get odd looks when I do shave. I guess people just blow it off and figure me for a butch lesbian. I can live with that. After spending that time in the hot tub my confidence is through the roof.
This is why I am having a problem adjusting to work again. I know I have to let my facial hair grow out for 3 days a week. I am still getting zapped once a week for two hours. So there is no sense coming out at work but... UGH... Patience is a virtue. Well that is what they say anyway. I can't say it gets any easier, even after my recent positive experiences. I can say that it is different.
Take care.
Eli
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