Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Coming to Terms

Wow! It has been 5 months since my last post.

I have been through quite a bit since then. I have finally come to terms with who I am and I accept myself as a trans-woman. The people in my life are not there yet nor will they likely ever be there but I only have control of myself. It is disconcerting to know that most of the people in my life will never accept my new identity. So I have been trying to come to terms with that as well.

I have realized that much of transition has to do with accepting life on life's terms. I have had to come to terms with my own realizations and make peace with that. I have had to come to terms with how others react to my new identity (family, friends, work, & the general public) and deal with that the best I can. None of any of it has been easy. In fact it all has taken quite a toll on me. My wife noted last night that she thinks I seemed happier before I started dealing with things. I wouldn't agree with her though. It feels like my feelings are on the surface now. I can't bottle things up like I used to do.

Lately I have been trying to come to terms with the limits of HRT. I can not seem to come to terms with where I am at being the best I can do. I do not think I am very passable. Possibly I lack enough confidence, possibly my wife is right in that I will never be passable. She believes that I need to come to terms with how I look now and make my peace with it. Well... I can not. I can't get myself to accept that I will not integrate into life as female. I can not get myself to accept that people I meet will see me as trans and never as cis. I find that an unacceptable option. Even the thought of it has sent me into a deep and lasting depression. I honestly do not wish to live like that... like this.

So yes... coming to terms is the theme of this post. I have come to terms with a whole new identity and reality for myself. Yet I can not accept where that leaves me. I have pondered the thought of ending it all. I can not come to terms with that at all. There are too many people in my life that I love and who love me. So the only option I see that allows me a functional future is FFS. Will that buy me social acceptance? If not will I be able to come to terms with that?