Saturday, November 12, 2011

Been a while.

Well my professional life has taken quite a turn. I left my old job and the golden carrot that went with my staying. I just couldn't handle the abuse anymore. After I did the math I figured out I'd be making 20k less a year. I think it is going to be more like 25k less. Good news is, I have gone down a few tax brackets, so I keep more of what little I do make now.

Anyway I went from an abusive yet somewhat free environment to a very structured environment with protections. However per the urging of my wife I am not out at work yet. I may never be.

I pushed the issue of FFS with my wife which almost caused the destruction of our relationship. We agreed to take these issues one day at a time again. I'm passing, I'm public and FFS is only going to give me more passing privilege. I am ready to give up my exterior transness but my wife is not willing to let go of what is left of the man she met. I don't blame her.

I can still pull off a shirt and tie (when wearing a sport bra), of the time. Getting felt up by an old friend I saw at a bar freaked me out big time and he kept calling me babe and hugging me. I was uncomfortable to say the least. I was just out from work so I was dressed in men's office professional style.

I am still not the most comfortable when men see me that way but I guess it is part of the "full experience". I'm finally to a point that I would date myself (but only if I shave the stubble I have left). So I suppose I kinda get what guys are seeing somewhat. I still see that male stranger looking back at me from the mirror on most days. Lately though that is happening less and less often. I take pictures occasionally to check myself out from an exterior perspective but I'm not too confident about my looks. I must put off some strong pheremones. I can't explain the level of attention I am getting. I find it flattering but it also scares me.

My time as a woman has increased due to my ability to have more time at home than I am accustomed to having. So I have been making some more progress in being out and not just coming out. These days I just wear what I feel like for that day and get gendered according to my wardrobe. My body is female with male features and so is my face. I don't think that will ever change. Ladyboy seems to be the label I have picked up on most frequently. I hear that and TRAP from the younger crowd. I thought this would bother me. It does because I want to be seen as a woman. Duh... of course I do. Until they come up with a shrink ray, I think I will be perceived as trans. Attractive, but trans... Most people can't tell but the observant are usually more than adequate to spread the word. I seem to be a big hit with the 16-24 year old female crowd. I get stopped when I am shopping all the time. Women are just walking up and talking to me out of the blue. I'm thinking about getting t-shirt that says, "100% real" or "Yes they are real." Sometimes I feel like I should just walk around with my tits and my cock hanging out so I can satisfy everyone's curiousity.

I can't believe that I have actually been going out without shaving. I would never have dreamed that I would ever do that. I have about 9-12 more months left on electro. It sucks but everything else is covered. Soon though I am going to have to decide what to pay. Electro, student, loans or child support. I can't afford all 3 anymore. Well I can for now but I won't be able to do it in a few months. I'll be back in my wife's pockets by summer. There are some things I really hate about being trans. Job security and good pay are rare things to come by in the trans community.

Latest progress on transition has been with getting out more publicly. The local stores, like walmart, the gas station, and local eating establishment. I did recently change over the name on my credit card. I got sir'd but only after I showed the girl my CC to pay the bill. Then it was I'm so sorry Mr. X. I thought you were a woman. I mean you look like a woman. I mean... I'm so sorry sir. If I have to carry a little piece of plastic with my new name on it in order to live in peace then so be it.

Issue is that my DMV gender letter has a different name on it. I went by the name Ann shortly before settling on Elizabeth. Anyway.... I introduce myself as Eli now but damn near everyone I know still calls me Bill and introduces me the same way. FUCKERS! Well I have 4 months left with this ID and I'm changing the rest over. Not that it matters, I mean, most people call me babe or hon anyway. I think a change is due or maybe I'll always be a babe or a honey. Meh... that works too.

Transition has taken a back seat in my life at this point. I never will stop taking my meds and I will never stop my transition till I die even if the cost to continue means my death. I guess when you get to that point there is no need to push. I'm trans, I am in transition, and I am transitioning slowly in front of the whole world to see. So I feel like there is no longer that urgent need to push my transition forward. I have taken all the little steps I can take and the whole plan is in motion and coming to fruition. So I am not so much making progress toward my new life. Rather, I am trying to adjust to this woman that I have become. I am taking her out because she is getting tired of hiding. I am slowly ebbing away from that awkward phase and into a new phase of womanhood. I feel good about myself but I still feel like I have a long way to go.