I am working. That is good. Not really an update but more of a sigh. I am better at my job now than I was before I got laid off. Just goes to show how stressed out I was back then. I've been through some rocky times these past few months, looking back on it.
I can't say that things have gotten better. My libido has been in the dumper lately and my wife has really hurt me with some things she has said lately. Bless her soul, she tries so hard, she really wants to help and feels so bad for me but... Well... some of the things she says.
"I just don't see it." -- referring to my transsexuality
"The whole thing mocks women" -- referring to transsexuality in general
"It is all about things to you." -- referring to me wanting to update my wardrobe for winter (I have no winter clothes for Eli.)
"I don't know why you aggravate yourself." -- referring to spending time as Eli (I get upset when I have do de-transition due to growing facial hair for my electrolysis.)
She is the most honest and loving woman I have ever met. Thank god I have her. Of course I get upset but I know exactly where she stands all the time. I asked her tonight, "How do you expect to be able to help me if you don't see me that way?" She says she will and that I am not ready yet. She wants me to wait till all my facial hair is gone. So I stepped up my electrolysis to two hours a week. That is the maximum my electrologist will work on me. I have too much gray hair for laser to do any good on me.
Speaking of gray... I have always looked at passing as a gray area. I mean... I had never hoped to fully pass. You know... close up, upon inspection. I had gotten comfortable with passing at a distance. For instance:
My boss pulls up as I am standing at the door before work waiting to get in, "I thought you were a girl till I walked up and saw your face." (ouch!)
or
The waitress walks up and says, "Enjoy your margaritas ladies." Then slinks away silent after she realizes she made a mistake.
Now I have this almost black and white view of how I want to be seen. I have been OK as being flagged as trans and rightly so. I wasn't letting that get to me... but now... I want to take my wife's advice. She is right. I am not ready. I can not pull that off in general public at any given time. My passing privilege is only as long as it takes me to grow some whiskers. IF people don't get too close. If they do get too close they will clearly see whiskers on the sprout. OH! back to the black and white. I want to be seen as Elizabeth aka Eli my chosen and legal name. I want to use that name with pride. It will also give me peace knowing that I have finally gotten there. That is why I chose Serenity as my middle name.
So anyway... It has been about five months since I started on hormones as prescribed by an endocrinologist. I decided I wanted to get on depo shots instead of putting a pill under my tongue to dissolve 3 times a day for the rest of my life. I came to find out that my endocrinologist did not prescribe shots or patches. Well... I found another doctor. He is actually a GP but I was more impressed with him than my endo. So I go to him, tell him that pills are not convenient and that I want shots. Well he does not agree that the risks are worth convenience. He informs me that not all transsexuals need to be on depo. Some respond well enough to oral medication. He points out my breasts and says that I seem to be responding well enough with the oral medication. He asks how long I have been on this regimen. So yea... I tell him it has been about 5 months. He states that I an doing VERY well and that I have quite a bit of tissue for just 5 months. He asks that I push in my XXL work shirt below my breasts and points out that they are quite noticeable. He asks if I have been binding to hide them. I gracefully tell him that it pisses me off that people bind and tell him in so many words that I want to own my transition. Then he tells me he wants to put me on progesterone, telling me it will fill out my breasts and give them a fuller more mature look. He points out that they are cone shaped and not the tear drop shape my sister Holly once pointed out to me when she was teaching me how to tell if a girl has fake boobs or not. She never told me about the pointy cone thing. Back on topic... he also tells me that it will also help fill out my hips. WELL... I have just lost 100lbs and am thinking, "FUCK! Not my hips!" Then I realize that it is probably a good thing even if I am a big girl. Well... especially because I am a big girl... big girls have curves. So I get the progesterone and have been on it for two days. I must say that my mood has been almost giddy since. It really has helped, and it helped almost immediately. I almost pinned down my wife last night. I am starting to think my lack of libido was just a bad mood and that the progesterone is helping my mood. So I will stick to low fat yogurt for breakfast for a while more and I will stick to half a sandwich and diet jello for lunch. I suppose the new hormones and my wife's reality checks have given me this new outlook. I remain patient, but my patience is laced with optimism now. These days, when I do shave that one day a week, I swear I can see Elizabeth looking back at me and she wants to come out and play in the sun.
