Sunday, September 26, 2010

Dealing with it...

Well since I last checked in I've basically felt like a woman trying to act like a man. I try to be comfortable with facial hair but it still is not working for me. I can not seem to "just deal with it" as my wife puts it. I feel like I just can't "just deal with it" anymore. I am not too awfully happy with where I am at the moment. I hate having to have an expiration on my female mode. I am dealing with the lack of time presenting female as best I can. That involves lots of depression. I don't feel like I am trying to rush my transition. I feel like I am just trying to fix what is wrong with me.

Aside from all that my wife still thinks maybe I am bi-polar or something and wants me to at least explore that issue more. She is of the opinion that my GID is due to extreme manic episodes that cause me to have delusions that I want to be a woman. She sees my depression as a down and my being able to express myself as an up. The observations of my mood being more positive presenting as female are mostly true. I mean... I am happier that way. I am happy that I no longer have to hide the fact that I am trans. However that feeling is short lived since my trans privilege is not the best. I don't feel bi-polar, I feel gender dysphoric. I dunno... manic? Me? I'm thinking more along the lines of justifiable anxiety and depression due to GID. I have said I would look into it for her. I can identify with dysphoric mania slightly. I simply think that mental issues that need treatment are due to some sort of irrational behavior or irrational thinking. I feel it is perfectly rational to be depressed because I have to present as a man. I feel it is perfectly reasonable to have anxiety over presenting as a woman in public since it is still all so new to me. If it gives her some peace of mind I guess I will look into it. My feelings though... I have felt this way for a long time and the only thing different from now and then is the fact that now everyone knows, I can't fight it anymore and I believe I will be happier post transition.

I am getting way too tired to even think straight. Maybe that is my mania manifesting itself through insomnia. What the hell... anything is possible at this point. I once asked my therapist about this and her reply was that the treatment would still be the same regardless. GID is GID regardless of the origin. She does not believe that it is mania since it stems from so long ago. According to her I am a textbook case. Whatever that means. My wife wants a second opinion. I guess I have no choice but to give her what she wants.

Monday, September 20, 2010

The Blues

Well I'm coming off a two week stint of the blues. First things started going bad when I had to grow my beard for 4 days in order for the electrologist to have enough to work with. Now I am back to work. Which in normal circumstances would be good. However with electro on Wednesdays I am totally "guy" for weekdays. It has taken a terrible emotional toll on me. I went from mostly full time 6-7 days a week to only 2 days a week.

This resulted in many many dark thoughts that consumed me and kept me up nights. I am still stressed to no end but I think I will make it. Well I do not really have a choice do I? I must continue forward, one step at a time. I do not like the compromises I have to make but in order to get where I am going I must go through what I am going through. I have been through worse. No one is shooting at me today. Every day seems like a victory.

I think I am at a point now where I am fine with the whole thing. I keep telling myself it is not the end of the world. Sure things could be better but things are fine for now. Patience... The love of my wife keeps me going. Her hugs warm my heart and her touch calms me.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Normal?

Well life has become somewhat of a grind. To me that says "normal". Well it is as normal as it has ever been. I have been adjusting fairly well. I have started weekly sessions of electrolysis and that goes well. I can't say I am thrilled to attend my sessions but I do look forward to the end results. I still have some serious dysphoria when it comes to my facial hair. I can't stand it at all. I feel like a woman with a beard lately. I have been feeling urges to overcompensate lately. I have to have at least 4 days growth for the electrologist to work with. After that I am dying to shave it off and put on a dress and heels. God!!! anything to be girlie. I have had many late nights where I cannot sleep in the last month. My mind keeps going when I lie down. I sleep the best when I am snuggled up on the couch with my wife. I love her dearly. Her happiness weighs heavily on me as of late too. I went through my legal name change a week ago today. She was to say the least distressed. I do not want to go into detail of how she felt because I respect her right to privacy, but it was not a good day at all. On top of that the pizza guy that night called me ma'am. He was all flustered and blushing. Something I am familiar with doing myself. I think it was all a bit much for her. I have been getting "flagged" as female more often lately even when I don't exactly try. My sleeplessness has also been bothering my wife too. Anyway I did change my name to Elizabeth Serenity (last name confidential) as expected. I had gone by Ann on occasion as evidenced in my YouTube video. I have been mostly presenting as female lately whatever that means. I am not really too sure what that means anymore. I feel like I have crossed a line somewhere. I actually feel that I have to present as male on occasion now. For instance, my parents do not want me "cross dressing" when I visit them at their home. I have some stuff stored over there and have been going over there on occasion to pick stuff up. I do not think they realize that inhibits my visits. I generally dress in woman's clothing now. I only wear male clothing there and cutting the grass. My female clothing is new and I don't want to ruin it by working in the yard. Well there is not really much else to say. I am starting to become comfortable and most of all I have my wife to thank for that. She is an astonishing woman and I admire her more than she will ever know.