Thursday, July 1, 2010

The Strength to Transition / The Horrible Truth

Where does the strength to transition come from? It's simply a will to live. If I felt I had a choice in any of this I wouldn't be doing it. Family and friends are against it. They wonder why I can't just try one more time to live as a man. One more time... it's like they don't get that it has been 30 years. To be exact 34 years since I first saw signs that I couldn't understand. 30 years ago I was sitting in a urinal being told I should be in the girls room squatting with the rest of the girls. Some boys had shoved me in there as I was standing there urinating. I didn't understand. My parents thought they had a gay son so prepared themselves for the day I'd come out as gay. I don't like men. I like the validation they give me when I'm looked at with longing. But other than that I don't really like men much at all.

I have no strength. I can barely function anymore. I lay on the couch, half conscious blogging and practicing my female voice. I heard my voice yesterday when I posted my first VLOG. I made a vow to myself today to never be without my handy voice recorder. All the exercises in the world won't help if you don't use the recorder. This is surreal, this is my life, no longer a fantasy. My fiancee is leaving me, not left, not yet. She is trying to hold on. Day by day she hopes that I will turn back and reconstitute before her eyes. You see.... I've evaporated. The man she fell in love with no longer lives inside this body. So she looks at me, as if I know where to find him. He was at best a miserable farce. He is much better where he is now. In the memories of those who loved him. I struggle daily to fondly remember him and pay tribute to him. There are still some parts of him I am able to bring to the surface. I do this for her, this is what she is holding on to. Even just one more day is better than nothing so I continue to struggle.

I've caught myself sitting at green lights lately staring blankly out at the world. Wondering where out there I should go. No job, almost out of money, running out of hope, I reach out and there is no one. I can talk to one person and she costs $150 an hour. I can't afford that. I'm hungry, I'm always hungry anymore. Every day I cry. When I think I have no more tears I continue to cry. A trans friendly company called today. I made it to the phone interview. They should contact me soon. So the recruiter has informed me anyway. They better call quickly, my savings are under $1000. I'm alone, I'm hungry and I'm afraid.

My mother dropped off a letter last week. There wasn't a stamp on it. I guess she didn't want to see me. The letter was for my fiancee. The subject was about my mother giving her permission to have sex with me. She said it was OK for us to have sex and that no matter what anyone said, if we were fine with it, then what the world thought didn't matter. Yesterday my mother calls my fiancee. She tells her that she thinks it is a shame. She wishes my fiancee the best and she knows that my fiancee has had enough. I call my mother back. My mother does not answer. I call 3 more times that day and night. She doesn't answer and doesn't call back. My father thinks I'm "a fucking perverted sex freak." I've only met a few others in transition. They have their own struggles to worry about. I'm scared and I have no one to talk to. I'm afraid I won't make it through today. I concentrate on trying to get the VA to cover my blood tests. I no longer have the money to have it checked. I concentrate on job leads no matter how weak the lead. I'm losing hope.

Mother is on her way over to give me the money for my child support. I don't want her money but I have to take it. I pay this every month or I go to jail. I've seen them about 2 dozen times in the last 11 years. Their mother fooled around town. I don't get it. Those aren't my children. The court took them away when she filed for divorce. They were 2 and 3 back then. I don't even know who these kids are. I've stopped begging them to come over and stopped bribing them with gifts for their attention. They don't even call anymore.

There is no strength left. That is the horrible truth. At any given moment I feel I could just let go and slip away. I like living though. I like to smile and I love to laugh. No there is no strength, I just want to be happy. I keep breathing in and out with the hope that some day I will be happy. I'm hanging by a thread. I'm thankful it isn't a rope.

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