Coming out

What a day. I've been sitting all day feeling like a passenger in my life and the train is roaring down the tracks. A week and 2 days ago I came out to my mother and she brought up some good points. I needed to chose between my transition and my fiancee. Why? Because my fiancee has decided that she doesn't want to marry me if I am becoming a woman. So... Yesterday, my um... x-step daughter finds my youtube video on the computer. So I'm out to her. My fiance says, "Time's up. Decide now!" I chose transition. She tells me I make her sick. Then explains later that I don't make her sick. The things I do make her sick. Specifically, seeing the video. The kid is shaking, pale and scared out of her wits. She is crying and wants me gone because I'm a liar and a fake. She is afraid of me now.

I need to know for sure I'm up for this. There is no way I can stop. I've tried for years and feel like I've lost so much precious time. I'm in full acceptance now. I'm practicing my voice for at least an hour each day. It still sucks. It's bad enough I look like a horse. (Mrs. Ed?) But my voice isn't anywhere near where I need it to be.

The plot thickens. I wake up and start bawling. I tell my fiancee that I can't spend my life with someone that is sickened by me. I feel like a freak of nature. I tell her we need to call off the wedding. I go for lunch. By the time I come back she has outed me to her mother. Her mother outed me to her boyfriend. The kid has outed me to one of my fiancee's friend. I call my mother and tell her the wedding is off. She asks, no, pleads to tell my father since the cat is out of the bag. "OK" I tell her after a feeling of uncontrollable fate washes across my body. She pleads again for permission to tell my sister, again I submit. I'm just waiting for it to hit facebook. Now I want to throw out all my guy stuff, get my haircut and move away. I feel like this whole thing has gotten away from me. It was so simple. I was taking my time. Now I have no time. It is all here, now, and in my face. I have no choice to move forward at this new pace. I don't feel ready. I'm sure I've been through worse but this all seems too much for me to deal with. So I let it go and realize that my transition has taken on a life of it's own. So yes, tomorrow I want a hair cut. I need to do something to affirm that I have some control of my transition. AND Hey! Now I can get my brows done. Hell, who doesn't know by now. I need to work the voice often though. I carry the voice recorder everywhere with me now. So yes, I do see the positive through all the chaos. I no longer have to hide who I am. Hair, nails, brows.... why not. Look out world here I come.