Thursday, July 29, 2010

Feeling good lately.

Feeling good lately. I'm down to 5 x 1/2 cigarettes a day. Ultra lights so that is progress. Today is officially 2 1/2 months since I legally started my transition. I self medicated for a while and that did not work out well. I ended up hospitalized with a blockage in my kidney that killed about an almond sized part of it. Counterfeit non prescription drugs. Nuff said there. The job search continues and goes well. Finally people are calling for interviews. I have started comming across more desperate. Seems like that is in demand these days.

My marriage goes well. We went to Amish country to a B&B for the weekend and that went well. Err... well sort of. We got called ladies again at lunch then I got flagged about a zillion times at dinner. I was freaking. I can usually handle it. I know I still look like a TV sometimes. I really think the reason I almost broke down is because of how high I was from being called a lady earlier that day. I've taken to not wearing makeup lately. I think it draws too much attention to the male features of my face. My face is what is flagging me. Everything else is appearing fairly female. I have all but given up on "passing". I feel like a woman but I look TV. It is awkward but I am still plodding along with going full time no matter what. Oh yea the date for that was the 19th. After I got the go ahead from my wife to dress at home going out was just... well it was just there. Something to do I suppose. One thing I have learned from life is to take an opportunity when it presents itself. Life is too short to do otherwise. I have almost come to the conclusion I will need FFS and probably breast enhancement. So starting full time now was not just an opportunity it seems like a necessity.

My name change is in progress. I have chosen Elizabeth Serenity and I will be taking my wife's last name. The court date is set for August 27th at 8:30am. Voice training goes much slower. I have taken a few days off. It just seems so... ugh... unproductive. I am plodding along there all be it slowly. Anyone reading this is welcome to comment and recommend a product that helped them. I'd appreciate knowing why you feel it helped you as well. I am contemplating a training CD.

Well in closing I just want to state that I haven't had an "oh shit what the fuck am I doing to my life" episode for over a week now and I no longer have suicidal thoughts. Coming out was terrible. I am just glad I made it through to the other side. Dysphoria still comes and goes. I just wish I looked outside how I feel inside. I am getting there. I just need more patience.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Well since I'm out and all I guess it is OK to let people get to know me a little. I didn't actually start this blog to be read by anyone. It is/was for me just so I could keep a log of how my life is going and how my transition is effecting my life. Basically so I could have a BLOG to look back on and see myself as the years pass by. I am so flattered by the interest I have gotten. Thank you all so much for your support.

Now on to a little bit about me and my history. The first link goes back to CGSociety where I would spend all of my free time when I was in college. Unfortunately FX and film didn't pan out for me so well. I actually got passed over by Disney once by just a hair. They "found and equally talented candidate who lived in their geographical region." They didn't want to inconvenience me with a move to California.

Don't make fun of me please. I did this years 3 ago. OH! and the profile pic is totally a before.
These days I rock FumeFX more than Afterburn but as you can see Afterburn is still an ole FX classic that isn't going away.

http://supremepizza.cgsociety.org/gallery/513467/

Well... as I stated, I did not make it into film or game design. So I spent 17 months working on these web sites for Orange Computers before I got laid off. After one look you will see why we had creative differences. But it was a job and it has a really cool Excel database back end. Really cool. Only problem is he has let it go to shit lately.
serversalesonline dot com
I didn't want to direct link from here because we tracked all that and I am assuming he still does. So the dot == .
I used to do all the product photos and Photoshop which you can tell if you click around a bit.
Everything was optimized for quick load times. So no awesome bells and whistles there except the back end.
There was also orangecom dot com that I never had the opportunity to finish. I hacked very little and did my best to stay W3C compliant.

Here is my latest self pics with my new hair. Warning though... no makeup.
Old hair
http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4143/481 ... 27d1_m.jpg
New hair 1
http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4137/481 ... 8848_m.jpg
New hair 2
http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4093/481 ... 7fd0_m.jpg
New hair w/glasses
http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4117/481 ... 877d_m.jpg

I didn't even shave. :p Oh well... get over it.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

What dreams are made of.

Well recently I've started to develop some friendly trans relationships. I have even started going out as Eli. Come to think of it I have submitted 7 motions to the Third Circuit Court of Illinois concerning my name change. So things are going fairly smoothly. Getting out and being accepted and hit on to the point of annoyance has really boosted my self esteem latey. On top of that my x-fiancee has rebounded completely and wants to marry me regardless of everything. I've decided to accept and tomorrow at 12:45 Central Standard Time I will be married. My admiration and love for her grows by the day. She not only accepts me, she has committed to help me with my transition. So I've been learning all those unspoken rules on how to be and act female. I don't know what else to say. The news is so shocking and so huge that I can barely contain myself. This is truely what dreams are made of.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Coming out

What a day. I've been sitting all day feeling like a passenger in my life and the train is roaring down the tracks. A week and 2 days ago I came out to my mother and she brought up some good points. I needed to chose between my transition and my fiancee. Why? Because my fiancee has decided that she doesn't want to marry me if I am becoming a woman. So... Yesterday, my um... x-step daughter finds my youtube video on the computer. So I'm out to her. My fiance says, "Time's up. Decide now!" I chose transition. She tells me I make her sick. Then explains later that I don't make her sick. The things I do make her sick. Specifically, seeing the video. The kid is shaking, pale and scared out of her wits. She is crying and wants me gone because I'm a liar and a fake. She is afraid of me now.

I need to know for sure I'm up for this. There is no way I can stop. I've tried for years and feel like I've lost so much precious time. I'm in full acceptance now. I'm practicing my voice for at least an hour each day. It still sucks. It's bad enough I look like a horse. (Mrs. Ed?) But my voice isn't anywhere near where I need it to be.

The plot thickens. I wake up and start bawling. I tell my fiancee that I can't spend my life with someone that is sickened by me. I feel like a freak of nature. I tell her we need to call off the wedding. I go for lunch. By the time I come back she has outed me to her mother. Her mother outed me to her boyfriend. The kid has outed me to one of my fiancee's friend. I call my mother and tell her the wedding is off. She asks, no, pleads to tell my father since the cat is out of the bag. "OK" I tell her after a feeling of uncontrollable fate washes across my body. She pleads again for permission to tell my sister, again I submit. I'm just waiting for it to hit facebook. Now I want to throw out all my guy stuff, get my haircut and move away. I feel like this whole thing has gotten away from me. It was so simple. I was taking my time. Now I have no time. It is all here, now, and in my face. I have no choice to move forward at this new pace. I don't feel ready. I'm sure I've been through worse but this all seems too much for me to deal with. So I let it go and realize that my transition has taken on a life of it's own. So yes, tomorrow I want a hair cut. I need to do something to affirm that I have some control of my transition. AND Hey! Now I can get my brows done. Hell, who doesn't know by now. I need to work the voice often though. I carry the voice recorder everywhere with me now. So yes, I do see the positive through all the chaos. I no longer have to hide who I am. Hair, nails, brows.... why not. Look out world here I come.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

The Strength to Transition / The Horrible Truth

Where does the strength to transition come from? It's simply a will to live. If I felt I had a choice in any of this I wouldn't be doing it. Family and friends are against it. They wonder why I can't just try one more time to live as a man. One more time... it's like they don't get that it has been 30 years. To be exact 34 years since I first saw signs that I couldn't understand. 30 years ago I was sitting in a urinal being told I should be in the girls room squatting with the rest of the girls. Some boys had shoved me in there as I was standing there urinating. I didn't understand. My parents thought they had a gay son so prepared themselves for the day I'd come out as gay. I don't like men. I like the validation they give me when I'm looked at with longing. But other than that I don't really like men much at all.

I have no strength. I can barely function anymore. I lay on the couch, half conscious blogging and practicing my female voice. I heard my voice yesterday when I posted my first VLOG. I made a vow to myself today to never be without my handy voice recorder. All the exercises in the world won't help if you don't use the recorder. This is surreal, this is my life, no longer a fantasy. My fiancee is leaving me, not left, not yet. She is trying to hold on. Day by day she hopes that I will turn back and reconstitute before her eyes. You see.... I've evaporated. The man she fell in love with no longer lives inside this body. So she looks at me, as if I know where to find him. He was at best a miserable farce. He is much better where he is now. In the memories of those who loved him. I struggle daily to fondly remember him and pay tribute to him. There are still some parts of him I am able to bring to the surface. I do this for her, this is what she is holding on to. Even just one more day is better than nothing so I continue to struggle.

I've caught myself sitting at green lights lately staring blankly out at the world. Wondering where out there I should go. No job, almost out of money, running out of hope, I reach out and there is no one. I can talk to one person and she costs $150 an hour. I can't afford that. I'm hungry, I'm always hungry anymore. Every day I cry. When I think I have no more tears I continue to cry. A trans friendly company called today. I made it to the phone interview. They should contact me soon. So the recruiter has informed me anyway. They better call quickly, my savings are under $1000. I'm alone, I'm hungry and I'm afraid.

My mother dropped off a letter last week. There wasn't a stamp on it. I guess she didn't want to see me. The letter was for my fiancee. The subject was about my mother giving her permission to have sex with me. She said it was OK for us to have sex and that no matter what anyone said, if we were fine with it, then what the world thought didn't matter. Yesterday my mother calls my fiancee. She tells her that she thinks it is a shame. She wishes my fiancee the best and she knows that my fiancee has had enough. I call my mother back. My mother does not answer. I call 3 more times that day and night. She doesn't answer and doesn't call back. My father thinks I'm "a fucking perverted sex freak." I've only met a few others in transition. They have their own struggles to worry about. I'm scared and I have no one to talk to. I'm afraid I won't make it through today. I concentrate on trying to get the VA to cover my blood tests. I no longer have the money to have it checked. I concentrate on job leads no matter how weak the lead. I'm losing hope.

Mother is on her way over to give me the money for my child support. I don't want her money but I have to take it. I pay this every month or I go to jail. I've seen them about 2 dozen times in the last 11 years. Their mother fooled around town. I don't get it. Those aren't my children. The court took them away when she filed for divorce. They were 2 and 3 back then. I don't even know who these kids are. I've stopped begging them to come over and stopped bribing them with gifts for their attention. They don't even call anymore.

There is no strength left. That is the horrible truth. At any given moment I feel I could just let go and slip away. I like living though. I like to smile and I love to laugh. No there is no strength, I just want to be happy. I keep breathing in and out with the hope that some day I will be happy. I'm hanging by a thread. I'm thankful it isn't a rope.