Well here we are and you're asking yourself, "Why are we even here?" Two days ago I went to the doctor and got diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder. There was a very enthusiastic intern in the office as I poured out my soul about wanting to express my inner identity. I'm dizzy and my mind is spinning, I only came out to my fiancee ten days before and here I am comming out to two more people that I didn't even know. 

Sure there was that one time in second grade. The day of pictures for first communion. After running from the church to the cafeteria bathroom to cry because I couldn't wear one of the dresses the girls wore, I came out to the priest, who swore me to secrecy and told me to pray for forgiveness every time I had that kind of deviant thought. Yep we had a discussion about being deviant as I covered his shirt with tears and snot. I didn't undersand anything he had to say but I did as he told me. I mean I prayed for forgiveness but I had no concept of how this could be wrong. So I suppose that one didn't count. 

I'm sitting there in the office and this intern gets up, late for a previously scheduled appointment, and says, "Good luck on your journey." Instantly I felt this huge weight pushing me back into my seat. I'm almost 40 and I'm feeling like I just pushed off shore onto the log flume to hell. She leaves and we get into personal relationships. Dad thinks this is a, "fucked up sex thing", and mom can't stop telling me about every drag queen she's ever talked to. I'm assuming she's trying to get me to come out. I don't know. I feel like a monster, I can't change and I need help because I can't take it anymore. 

"Good luck on your journey." the intern said with the most supportive and nuturing smile. I just got engaged! Eleven days later I'm getting a call from the psycologist and he's telling me I've been diagnosed with GID. Sure I knew, I'd done my research, I'd been through the over compensation, I'd been through wardrobe purges. I knew the drill and the behavior I was engaged in. Twelve years ago I made a New Year's resolution to get treatment for it but instead I suffered in silence. Returning home to comfort myself with solitude. Five years without a relationship dealing with this "journey". Out of honest desperation I came out to my fiancee. I couldn't bear her leaving me for not being honest, so I come out before I buy the ring. She is adamant that I get help, then I do, just to find out that our fears are true... GID. 

So today, day E+11, I sit in amazement of what I already knew. The world looks different out there now. It looks... well surreal. I can't get myself to go to the mailbox at the end of the driveway. If I go out someone will see me. I'd already heard the teenagers talking outside before, "Is that a man or a woman?" I can't let them see me. Not today. I don't know the answer unless the answer is, "Yes." Today my knees are weak and my head feels like it is floating above my body. Is this really my life? What have I done? I only wanted to be honest. Now look what I've gone and done to my life!