New Boots?

Now on to today. As mentioned before I got engaged. Well it has been two weeks today. I want a pair of calf boots but as my fiancee pointed out, "Where are you going? We're saving for a wedding and you want to buy a pair of boots you'll never wear anywhere" Fair enough. She's right. I got pulled over about 15 years ago while in drag and got felt up by the cops. About 10 years ago I got chased by some drunken teenagers and had to climb a 15' fence to get away. Then maybe 10 years ago I get picked up by a cop, while changing in a parking lot, and taken to court (immediately to night court) because I didn't have my insurance card and my appearance did not match my driver's licence. Given these experiences I wouldn't go out alone. Not in drag, not anymore. So where would I wear the boots? Did I mention she does not allow any of this to be out in our home? So yes I'm depressed today. I usually get depressed because I have trouble finding my size, yet today I find my size and am not able to justify buying the boots. I desperately want to get dolled up and go out tonight. It has been over a month and I've done nothing but wear some women's jeans. I have 2 pair. When I'm feeling brave I wear the hot pants and they generally get me some smiles. From most sorts anyway. Some glare at me. On most days though I wear some frumpy jeans that are a size too big. I really want the boots for my hot jeans. That would make me 6'4 in the boots. I already stick out, I really don't care about sticking out as long as I had something nice other than guy shoes that go with the jeans. Let's be honest. When you want to get dolled up you don't want to wear sneakers. 

Anyway that's my deal today. With the step daughter around I can't even get dolled up and sit around the house. With the cops and rednecks around here I can't go out alone. I'd make some trans friends but due to her previous divorce she has serious trust issues and I can't leave the home. I know I have to put my foot down and stand up for this and I would if I had any trans friends to hang out with. So I'm going to push outside my comfortable bubble zone and attempt to make some trans friends. Even in my lonely depression I've found a little hope. 

Next day. I was scheduled to see my new shrink. A staff shrink at one of the local VA hospitals. I specifically requested someone who would be on staff for some time to come. After all I've had this problem my whole life and it isn't going away. I figure doing this correctly once will keep my from repeating myself for the rest of my life. Figuring maybe I would be able to get deeper into this long term. 

So I show up and he/she wasn't there. Wonderful! I got to wait another 45 minutes to find out I was going to see 2 people that I probably wouldn't see again. Just what I wanted. I love to waste my time. After all I have nothing better to do than repeat myself on a daily basis and spin my wheels in therapy. 

Guy #1 I repeat myself from the day before. He proceeds to tell me that my anxiety is all in my head, GID is no big deal and that GID isn't really a disorder. So I'm taking all this much too seriously. 

Girl #2 Again I repeat myself, however this time she is reading from a form. How encouraging. I look close and think she may be transgender. I'm too polite to ask, GGs (Genetic Girls) get too upset if you even ask. I leave the question stored in my head for the time being and just move on filling in the blanks in my medical documentation.  I've been diagnosed with GID and now I'm being documented. Guy #1 prescribes me Zoloft, the stuff that makes kids kill themselves. Well I didn't ask for the crap. I won't take it. I like my feelings. I don't care if I'm blue or happy. I want to deal with my feelings. I admitted that I wouldn't mind a Valium now and then but I am not about to take something that is going to effect me 24 hours a day every day. I'm supposed to take it every morning. That just isn't going to happen. 

I leave that day happy with knowing I have made some inroads into the formality of my condition. I'm still looking foward to getting acquainted with my new shrink eventually. 

Well here we are and you're asking yourself, "Why are we even here?" Two days ago I went to the doctor and got diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder. There was a very enthusiastic intern in the office as I poured out my soul about wanting to express my inner identity. I'm dizzy and my mind is spinning, I only came out to my fiancee ten days before and here I am comming out to two more people that I didn't even know. 

Sure there was that one time in second grade. The day of pictures for first communion. After running from the church to the cafeteria bathroom to cry because I couldn't wear one of the dresses the girls wore, I came out to the priest, who swore me to secrecy and told me to pray for forgiveness every time I had that kind of deviant thought. Yep we had a discussion about being deviant as I covered his shirt with tears and snot. I didn't undersand anything he had to say but I did as he told me. I mean I prayed for forgiveness but I had no concept of how this could be wrong. So I suppose that one didn't count. 

I'm sitting there in the office and this intern gets up, late for a previously scheduled appointment, and says, "Good luck on your journey." Instantly I felt this huge weight pushing me back into my seat. I'm almost 40 and I'm feeling like I just pushed off shore onto the log flume to hell. She leaves and we get into personal relationships. Dad thinks this is a, "fucked up sex thing", and mom can't stop telling me about every drag queen she's ever talked to. I'm assuming she's trying to get me to come out. I don't know. I feel like a monster, I can't change and I need help because I can't take it anymore. 

"Good luck on your journey." the intern said with the most supportive and nuturing smile. I just got engaged! Eleven days later I'm getting a call from the psycologist and he's telling me I've been diagnosed with GID. Sure I knew, I'd done my research, I'd been through the over compensation, I'd been through wardrobe purges. I knew the drill and the behavior I was engaged in. Twelve years ago I made a New Year's resolution to get treatment for it but instead I suffered in silence. Returning home to comfort myself with solitude. Five years without a relationship dealing with this "journey". Out of honest desperation I came out to my fiancee. I couldn't bear her leaving me for not being honest, so I come out before I buy the ring. She is adamant that I get help, then I do, just to find out that our fears are true... GID. 

So today, day E+11, I sit in amazement of what I already knew. The world looks different out there now. It looks... well surreal. I can't get myself to go to the mailbox at the end of the driveway. If I go out someone will see me. I'd already heard the teenagers talking outside before, "Is that a man or a woman?" I can't let them see me. Not today. I don't know the answer unless the answer is, "Yes." Today my knees are weak and my head feels like it is floating above my body. Is this really my life? What have I done? I only wanted to be honest. Now look what I've gone and done to my life!